enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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sad, honestly

So I�ve got to be honest. This is what a diary is for, really, isn�t it?

I feel as though someone has kicked me in the chest.

He wrote me a couple of lines about how he was being selfish and he�s sorry and all the rest and how he�d like to be my friend.

And I wrote back about how I doubted that that would be possible but that I wished him well.

I realize that this is hurting me because the Larry thing wounded me so much, left me feeling so vulnerable and worthless. And that that wasn�t really about Larry at all in the first place � he was and is a bona fide bonehead � but that it was and is about how much I�ve lived in a place of expecting so little for myself, of hiding myself from opportunities to be living an emotionally full and connected life.

I can�t afford to damage or compromise my job, spoil the positive energy that has been spilling out of me lately with improved health and happiness, engagement. I need to take this as a lesson that I need to get out and flirt more, give more people a chance to get in - thereby toughen myself up to ridiculous �setbacks� like this.

I just wish he hadn�t been hanging on every word I said, engaging me and making me feel worth looking at and listening to. I should take these positives for what they were, but mostly I just feel cheated and lonely. I�m the one who will be at home alone tonight � free but also frightened and tired. But as the Desiderata reads: �Many a fear is born of fatigue and loneliness.�

I�m going to suck it up for now and try to focus on what is important: work.

OK. That represents relatively quick healing. Or suppression or whatever.

I can�t quite laugh yet, but that will come.

11:59 a.m. - 2008-04-15

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