enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Gotta run out to speak with my landlord, but I'm sure I'll be back - mildly inebriated - later. :) Oh lordy I learn but slowly.

All is well!

Of course I still have the lump in my throat, and I wasn't productive until late in the day today.

Not to beg for pity or anything or to paint myself as a sad sack, but I realized plain and simply that I felt punched because I was anticipating some normal level of affection - I'm always suppressing the need or desire because what's the point when you don't have anyone - and that excitement got wiped out.

Meh. I realize that it's a short term thing. And it is true that this guy was attracted to me. He literally wrote to me all day yesterday, and wrote to me first thing when he got to work this morning. He kept on talking about my legs, asking me about what I wore to the symphony last night, wanted to know more about my "passions" in life. What a jerk.

So I did write him back later this afternoon and I told him that next time he should think about what the person on the other end might be thinking. Did he ever consider empathy?

I feel sorry for people like that, really. Obviously he's not happy where he is and with whom he is. I also take comfort that I would never do something like that. Never ever. I can be happy in the knowledge that eventually I will find a relationship that is honest and true. I will never be or accept anything less.

It's all OK. OH and I must take back last night's commments about my friends' seats at the symphony. They were actually quite nice, if vertiginal. And the nice thing is that my friend Ava - not one to throw praise around, a really gorgeous woman herself - kept on raving about how great I looked, how much she likes the length of my hair right now, my special black dress. And when I put my coat on to go home she declared that I looked just adorable. So that was very nice. I think I'm coming into my own. The path to whatever is not always smooth, however.

Tonight I'm going to try to do a bit of work, to make up for a bit of fading today. Not a great day. But I'll forgive myself this time and move on to tomorrow. I'm only human.

:)

Oh, swimmmer72 - didn't think you were laughing at me. And you're correct - it is funny. I'll be laughing in a day or two, I'm sure.

You know, it's pretty simple: I'm human and have human needs. I'm alone for no particularly good reason, and I miss warmth and affection. I need to do something about that, yet without compromising myself. I thought a bit about online dating again today, but I hated that and didn't go out on any dates with anyone, anyhow. I think the trick is going to be to figure out what other activities I can do.

7:07 p.m. - 2008-04-15

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