enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm still out of sorts, I can't lie.

Oh crummy. I promised that I wouldn't be a broken record tonight or complain about my day.

I felt pretty crappy today because, well, it was difficult to recover from yesterday. And I couldn't fall asleep and then I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep again.

I know it's unproductive. If I'm not in the right job, I'm not in the right job. Why do I care? And why do I care enough to have stayed there until 8 p.m. tonight? I try too hard.

You know, I think what it could be is that I can't stand to fail. C. is always telling me that my definition of failure to start with is ridiculous.

And so it is.

Oh lordy, perhaps I shoudl make that list of biggest fears. :)

You know, if I were to actually write out my biggest fears I would realize that they are not so big or insoluble. I've kind of prepared myself in that way.

I'll try not to be deep tonight. In passing though I will say that I was trying to think yesterday about what my sadness and fears have prevented me from having in my life. Definitely a relationship. That is the outcome. And peace at work.

SOOOOOOOO....how can I be amusing?

Well, I guess this is not amusing, but the poet scientist was getting a bit on my case about how he feels so hard done by because women have all the control re. having children, and then I blurted out that I have decided that I won't be having my own children.

And you know, I knew that when he heard that he'd 1) be disappointed, since I really believe he sees me as the solution to his relationship dissatisfaction; 2) he'd leave me alone for a while.

Being left alone by him has been bliss, because I really don't want to be seeing him whilst his girlfriend is away on her business trips. I just didn't want to have to deal with the hints and compliments. Not now.

So that's a bit of news.

Otherwise I really have no news. I wish I did. I guess I could say that I bought a dress for the April 4 gala. In spite of my swearing off black, it happens to be black. It was a totally random and unexpected purchase. I was just walking by a store and saw this very cute/hip above-the-knee silk dress. I kind of knew instinctively that it would look good on me, even though it is not even close to a style that I would normally wear. I put it on and all of the girls in the store were oohing and ahhing so I knew I had to buy it. It is a summer dress so it will be good at that time, but also has enough coverage that with nice nylons, a long necklace, and excellent heels it will work in April. It makes me look very leggy. SO, there you go. Unfortunately, it is not yellow. :)

OK. I will stop boring you for the evening. I should try to distract myself, after overworking. Overworking makes me very dull. I should dance around, or get on my bicycle, or watch another movie.

Oh! I should have mentioned that I talked with my boss today. I wanted some clearer goals and objectives for my job. I figure that this will give me more control over my environment. He gave me a project to coordinate across the branch, which I think is great because I'll get to crack the whip on all of the people around me. They'll ultimately probably mostly annoy me, but still it will get me out of my office.

Oh, and I followed saudades's advice and just let the snobby girl be a snobby girl. :)

8:42 p.m. - 2008-03-12

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