enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A potato by any other name a woman.

I will apologize in advance for this entry. I don't even know where to go with it. I promise in advance that after today's crap I'll write something that is actually thoughtful and interesting tomorrow. :) And you know, reading about other people's problems in their diaries makes me realize that...we're all crazy little silos in the Western world who really, honestly, generally do not have any *real* problems. I mean, I didn't have to decide between feeding one child and not another today, did you? Incidentally, there is a great article on behavioural economics experiments that have been done to assess why people give philanthropically, in the latest NYT magazine. Definitely check it out if you are interested. Haven't you always wanted to know what motivates people to give and how much? :) Also, I had something in the Econom!st today, if you can believe it. It's only a calculation that I provided to the O3CD for Canada, but still, it was kinda cool to see the chart online.

I realized today that I've really been supressing a great deal of my true reactions to my job lately. The headaches have been a manifestion of that - doh! could they be related to stress?

I realized this because I finally broke down today. I just completely had a meltdown. I went for lunch with my friend Mari0n and another girl whom I know slightly and I couldn't even concentrate on what they were saying. I was so distracted and unfocused. I felt panicked. And I started to cry. I felt so badly. They were very kind and very helpful throughout lunch. I really didn't deserve the attention. I felt so guilty for taking their time and energy.

Seriously, I've reached a sad point in my life. I can see rationally that I shouldn't be so upset, but I really don't know what to do. I don't have much money. I have regressed in my career (kind of a lie, since it is a very respectable position - just competitive and emotionally degrading) and I'm completely miserable (completely true). If I'd stayed at my old job at least I'd have two promotions, would be making substantially more money, and would be able to afford better to think about other options. As it is I need to start thinking about starting over with other options.

I was thinking today about why I'm in this stupid job. And it occurred to me that what I've been trying to do is to prove myself to my mother and step-father - not that they care, anyway - and all of my other relatives who always called me "flakey." They doubted that I'd ever be able to make a decision and settle down to a traditional career like this.

And it's because of them that I chose economics anyhow, when I really wanted to be a historian or an artist.

It's all the lies that will get you, every time.

And I know that life is not supposed to be perfect and that work is supposed to be work.

Unfortunately, after years of doing other things that captured my fancy and generally being a girl dancing through life's daffodil fields in a pair of running shoes, I simply cannot afford to quit this job, and at the same time I cannot afford to stay at this confidence-diminishing, isolating, mentally-debilitating job. So it's quit and be poor again, or keep going and start over at a low level at another department (e.g. the national statistical agency), if I can get a permanent job elsewhere.

If I believed in God, I'd ask Him for guidance. I wish that I did believe in God. But about 90% of me thinks that God has left the museum for good.

I know it's just a job and that my health is generally good and that I have friends and am not living on the street. I know that this shouldn't be important.

But here's where it becomes important. Those big fears that Fifi wrote about yesterday and that I refused to write about.

I guess that if I'm honest, my biggest fear is that suddenly they'll all figure out that I'm stupid and unworthy and that then I will fail and be out on the street.

That's been the biggest fear of my entire life. My second biggest fear is that because I am stupid and unworthy and emotionally insufficiently strong, no one will ever love me. But that fear is no surprise. The sad part is that I have no fear of losing people, because I never live with the expectation that anyone will stick around. Even C., who loves me like a brother and who is so steadfast and kind. I suppose that pretty much 90% of the human race has these fears at least occasionally, so no real news today. :)

OK. Newsflash: I've been on the phone with C. for the last two hours. I feel much better. This is good and bad. I cannot continue to rely on my best friend to get me out of these difficult spots, even though I have tried not to do so for many months now. This is what I have been building towards - to have the strength and independence and discipline to tunnel my way out of them myself.

I guess the big unanswered question is this: Why did I end up in this position, in this job? What did I do to create this situation, destroy my peace of mind? And how can I prevent myself from ever doing this to myself again?

Those, my friends, those are the questions. I'm going to think about them. But first, I am going to eat some potatoes. I am craving potatoes. :)

7:00 p.m. - 2008-03-13

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell