enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Please remove this woman from my life.

OK, you're going to get the rant. So sorry! :)

I HATE MY JOB.........

Today, I'll admit, it was partly my attitude that was the issue. I just did not want to get up this morning.

I have my French class on Monday mornings. This morning it was me and the pretentious little late-20s/early-30s snob with a little girl-y voice who looks down her nose at me at every class because SHE has been at Line Dance for several years. She twitters whenever I make a mistake. And she goes into these long, rambling explications in French as to how Memoranda are properly written at Line Dance. She annoys the crap out of me. I mean, the crap out of me.

She's the kind of person I have always disliked. She thinks that there is only one way to do anything. She writes notes with a ruler in a little notebook. She probably alphabetizes everything in her fridge.

(Having said this, I'd really like to know why she wears khakis and a sweat top and sneakers to French class, given that I would presume that she must return to work immediately after lunch. It's rather odd, particularly since she's made us fully aware that she and her husband own a home. (Who marries these women, anyhow??? Oh yeah, all of the stepford people around me.) But I digress.)

So that was my first annoyance. Sitting beside her in class and having her correct any errors I might make in French, before the teacher does, puts me in a BAD MONDAY MOOD.

You'll be very proud to hear that I refrain from correcting her errors. Actually, an interesting thing happens in that class. I become the badass, not-paying-attention underachiever. I stare out the window and speak only when spoken to. It's quite disastrous. And I feel very ashamed of myself for falling into this trap. I mean, I am nearly 40 and all.

In general it is difficult to be pumped up when I hate my job so much.

Today, I went in after French class only to have to change something that I did on Friday.

This is normal. The other units always want things to be changed. And I expedited the whole thing and produced perfect graphs, just as they wanted them, by the time that the lunch hour was done.

And do you know what? The freaking guy for whom I did the work came and thanked my boss. As when he was explaining the work, he did not speak directly to me or even look in my face.

What is wrong with these men?

I mean, my boss thanked me fully. He always does. He's a very nice person. I still can't read the guy or communicate very well with him, but I can't fault him on his manners. But the other people...

UGH.

I find it so difficult to motivate myself to go to work. My stomach hurts.

And every day I get up and tell myself, "SUnny attitude! You can make it better by self-motivating and self-validating and forgiving yourself for any mistakes."

But do you know what? It's lonely to be a work world of 1.

And this reminds me that I live in a home world of 1.

Today I felt a little bit sorry and sad as I walked home in the ruts in the snow in the street.

I must banish this. Not sure what to do. I don't think that I should drink anything. I need to sleep well tonight. I probably should go for a run, but the mounds of snow and all make it marginally unappealing. It probably would be not bad were I to go out. Then again, it is 9 p.m. I think I will plan on a good run tomorrow night instead. And on leaving work before 8 tomorrow.

I can't help myself, I feel rather forlorn. But this too will pass.

You know, I know what the problem is: I need to banish the ego. The ego is the problem. I'm letting my ego require feeding. I need to shut up the ego. It just doesn't matter what this girl thinks of me, or my French teacher thinks of me, or the silly men in my unit think of me. What matters is that I try to live my life in a way that I can be proud of. OK, problem solved. I'll have to do better tomorrow. (I sulked a bit today, I'll admit.) It will be OK. Now, I should post some pictures of the giant snowbanks that had accumulated as of last night...in a few minutes.

SIdewalks....Note: Amanda and I were supposed to run 16 miles in that yesterday. I think not!

8:36 p.m. - 2008-03-10

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