enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not sure where to go from here.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this, but I really can't understand why anyone cares about Sp!tzer using a prostitute. I don't see at all what it has to do with any of his previous or current stances on ethics in general.

The only person who should be outraged, in my personal opinion, is his wife (maybe).

Prostitution is probably the oldest occupation with a consistently describable set of performance criteria. When exactly did we expect men to stop going to prostitutes after millenia, and why would we not expect men with lots of money and power to go to them?

I'm quite confused. As usual. :)

I had a very bad day at work, which is why I feel grumpy. I said stupid things that revealed my lack of understanding of a particular issue, and I have another project to do that I don't think I can execute. These things should not upset me so much, but they make me feel small and inadequate.

I know I should stop that. C. keeps on telling me that I am great at beating myself up. And so it is.

I'm going to try to relax now for a while, try to get some perspective. Maybe I should make some dinner. Not sure.

ARGHHH, guys, I do wish that I had a little bit more stamina for the ups and downs of life. :)

OK. Time to recenter!

In other, more exciting news, I'm perfectly thrilled that my basilic has started to sprout! (I planted the seeds last week, I'm not sure on what day. Wednesday?) Thanks to Fifi for the suggestion about planting in my house. I should do more planting. It would be more fruitful than the stewing that I mostly do.

Do you konw what I just realized? I don't have volunteering tomorrow night. I was wondering why I hadn't received an email, and it just now occurred to me that the organizers had said that they wanted to start taking one Wednesday off a month. This must be the one. OK. So I have tomorrow night to myself. That's nice.

Oh help! I really need to get on track. I know in my heart though that things have to be done step by step, with patience, not all at once.

Last night, actually, I sort of straightened things out with myself by going for a run with C. The only problem is that he was very late, so in the end we ended up running late. I felt great afterwards but it definitely prevented me from sleeping properly, which screwed up my energy and thinking today, I am sure. :(

The other thing that was nice about the run with C. is that afterwards we stopped by his apartment for a cup of tea and had an intellectual conversation. It was an interesting one, and in it I found myself articulating some of the ideas that I expressed the other day - about doing something more purposeful- only I was articulating things in a way I hadn't verbalized for myself before. I always enjoy that experience of hearing things coming out of my mouth that I didn't beforehand know that I thought. It shows that I'm processing things without consciously doing so. Which, actually, is a scary idea, since I'm probably using my sleep for my crazy brain computer to do this processing.

Doh!

I'm so tired all the time lately, although not physically. I haven't been very motivated lately to work out intensely. I don't know. I don't feel I am depressed but I suppose that one can easily fall into that when work is so uncomfortable. Hmm...

So what do I do to counteract this? Without shopping? :)

And in honour of Fifi, I think I will make a list of hot actor guys whom I find attractive. :) How about Ewan MacGregor, Viggo Mortenson, Alan Rickman (I know - weird), Gerard Butler, Alessandro Nivolo, Paul Gross. OK. And I can't help but add Colin Firth and oh I don't know who else. I also have a crush on a radio host called Jian Ghom3shi. I know, on a RADIO host.

None of the others are really big crushes though, to be honest. To be perfectly truthful, I'm a huge geek. This is true. My actual crushes are on Ian Brown (also a radio host who hosts a show called Talking Books), on a couple of writers whom I've heard interviewed on another show (witty men I love you!), and a bit on Stephen L3wis because his is just so damn good.

8:08 p.m. - 2008-03-11

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