enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I hope you'll excuse me this pity parade

So I thought I'd cried it all out, but apparently there is more that I can wring out for my diary!

My job has really been getting me down, as we know. And C. pointed out that it is probably the holiday loneliness that is exacerbating it at the moment.

It is true: If one more person asks me if I'm done with my shopping and if my kids are getting excited I am probably going to either scream or wail in public.

It's tough to be on the outside looking in.

Enough said.

I seem to be saying all of the wrong things around my boss these days, so that he is relying on my senior economist from my old work and not me, for things he doesn't realize I'm the expert in and not him. I know that these things will reveal themselves in time, but to be truthful I could really use a confidence boost right now through a little bit of recognition.

I'm starting to feel like that little weasel who sneaks into the office in the morning, and then who sneaks out at night.

And of course, this afternoon, we were subjected to another holiday office party - only this time it was for the whole branch.

My idea of personal hell.

Really.

And it just turns out that a guy who was doing his Ph.D. in 1993 when I was doing my first Master's degree in economics (yes, you read correctly) happened to be there. Last I'd heard he had moved to Victoria and was working for the B.C. government. Guess not.

I don't have anything particularly against this guy, really, except that at the time that I knew him he didn't much give me the time of day, except to get introduced to my best friend and roommate, whom he basically then screwed for a few months night and day.

He looks totally different now - no longer very hippie, has put on a few pounds, and his hair is no longer clownishly thick and brown but rather grey. All told he's rather handsome.

And even he is married and has a kid.

I just felt. like. "Yeah, it's me. Yeah, I'm the same as I was then...only probably less." :(

I didn't cry just then.

But I went back down to my office and buried myself in some papers, and then walked home in a daze in the snow.
I started cutting large quantities of onions in order to make chick pea curry...

and then I started to cry.

I cried my mascara all down my face. I wiped off the drippy bits so now I have that "smoky eye" look that is all the rage.

It's very important to have hot makeup for consuming chick pea curry by one's lonesome.

Would anyone berate me if I were to pour myself a drink right now?

I'm sort of kidding. I'm trying to hold it together, not feel sorry for myself. I know it doesn't help. Moreover, it is completely unattractive. I actually stopped reading the diary of someone quite brilliant whose diary was a favourite of mine a few years back, because she was so negative all the time. It just serves no fruitful purpose to anyone, and I know this.

So one last mopey thing and then I'm done:

Geoff, my senior economist, today said something -believing it to be true - about "Oh, you can't have kids now, anyhow. Your body's too old and it would be too dangerous." I guess he could tell from the look on my face that I wasn't expecting it. And that it hurt.

That's it.

I wrote to Dan because I needed to talk about something else, and to apologize for being rough on him yesterday, and he wrote back something that should have helped but really didn't:

Bluey,

This isn't the last time I will tell you this - but it is the only time I will mention it today. Part of our friendship that I value most (aside from the fact that you are super easy on the eyes) is your candor. So, I am not mad at your from yesterday. I hate that you are discouraged at that job, but I am not surprised you resent the time you wasted at __....

For what it is worth, I adore you. Dan

9:04 p.m. - 2007-12-19

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