enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Really up and down these days. I'm maintaining a basic equilibrium, and getting things done, but I'm finding it difficult to push away thoughts of loneliness. And Dan bought me lunch today. How ungrateful am I?

Oh so I owe another thank you to the lovely ladies of Diaryland. I arrived home this evening and was starting to feel a little bit glum... and reading your diaries snapped me out of the state and back into remembering that life is delightful.

I suspect that the metre is not what I'd like it to be tonight as I'm still not quite acclimated to the going back to a job that I dislike thing. I'm going to have to come up with a routine to distract myself from ruining Sundays by getting upset about what is to come.

I also spent quite a bit of money today. I didn't feel that great about it though. I felt sort of as though I was unnecessarily spending money on myself. But that's not a good attitude so I am going to try to crush that.

I bought some beautiful plants, first. AFter the brunch with Dan I looked high and low for a rosemary tree and was not able to find one. Dan even dropped me off in the neighbourhood in which I thought FOR SURE there would be one to be found, but no one had them. The supermarkets did not and the posh florists were carrying lovely trees made of clippings of boxwood, but not living little herbal delights!

So in the end I settled on a Christmas cactus, an interesting fern, and something else the name of which I've already forgotten. Ooops. The cactus is pretty. I might in the end give it to my landlord as a gift. So still in search of a rosemary tree... :)

I also cannot find my lights! It's making me crazy. I'm gradually cleaning through some of the cluttery parts of my apartment - in anticipation of the decorating that is to come. (In addition to the charcoal grey loveseat and bright pillows I've decided on yellow curtains for the living room, for some reason..I can't help it: I have a burning desire to buy yellow curtains...).

Teranika has also inspired me with her homepage picture to get some candles. How could I forget candles?

And Fifi, you're going to like this: I went looking for the super chocolates and super-me other treats. I got the chocolates, have not yet selected the book, and couldn't find good cashmere. In some ways Ottawa is a bit of a wasteland.

The book will be no problem. I have a list about a hundred miles long of books I want to buy. I will have to sit down and think that one out.

As for the other treats, I was thinking that I might buy myself a pair of earrings. Believe it or not, no one has ever bought me jewellery.

I mean, this sort of makes sense. I have a feeling that I might have even told past boyfriends not to bother buying me jewellery. I've never much been into it. I have two rings - one amethyst and one quartz that my paternal grandmother made in her lapidary shop, but no others. I believe that my dad once gave me a small pair of gold musical notes when I was about seven, but otherwise...nothing.

I have a bunch of semi-precious dangling earrings that I've bought or made over the years, but with my hair short they don't look right. I don't have any studs. So I was sort of thinking that I could buy myself a pretty pair of vintage silver studs in little leaves or something, to symbolize taking care of myself and moving forward without the expectation of anyone else caring for me. I'm not sure if it is a good idea, but in any event I couldn't find any earrings that I liked today. I will have to think this out and look around a bit more carefully next week.

Otherwise I think I will order myself some special yarn online to maybe make a top or sweater on Christmas day, instead of buying something. This could all come together. But it will take time. :)

I think that's it.

I went to the market and found myself too late to either buy a wreath or C's salami. He'll be disappointed.

And what else did I do? Oh yes, the mall was still open as I walked home from the market and so I bought a pair of pants. That's where I shouldn't have spent the extra money. I suppose I can return them. I do need some extra pants but to be honest I think I was shopping - as I have been in general whenever I've shopped lately - to fill a bit of a hole in me.

It's true. I feel a bit of a gaping hole. And when I feel a gaping hole I feel like if I feel prettier I will feel better. Just like when I feel stupid I feel as though I will feel better and stronger if I read another book, read more newspapers. It's a spiral.

This afternoon, too, I had been feeling tired and was wearing my frumpy coat and frumpy boots and had dropped into a sports store to buy padded cycling shorts for my poor little butt, and I saw Larry's best friend. He didn't recognize me at first - I only caught a glimpse of him and passed by as I could tell that he hadn't noticed me - but then from across the store I could tell that he had recognized me and would tell Larry that he'd seen me and that I'd looked frumpy and tired and that I have short hair now.

Or at least that's what I imagined. This is all SO STUPID, I know. I guess I just felt lonely and old and drab. It seemed as though everyone else was out Christmas shopping in couples or pairs at least. A part of me wanted to hide. And the feelings about Larry's friend are as much as anything about the fact that thinking about dating Larry just makes me feel embarrassed - because he was such a schmuck; because I haven't been able to find anyone else since then. It's like the years cycle on and on and I'm always in the same place. :(

So there you go. My confessions for the evening.

There is not much to them. And as I mentioned before I feel so cheered by the entries of others that I will only focus on the positive. I just need to again sit down and sort out what I need to sort out, and move forward one step at a time.

And as C. reminded me, I should make a list of the people here in Ottawa in my life for whom I can make a little something special as gifts for Christmas. I've been thinking as though I don't really have any close friends here and so I wouldn't be doing gifts this year, but why not do a little bit anyhow? And I should definitely bake some of my super-excellent shortbread to bring into the office. I make my grandmother's shortbread, which is much more rugged than the usual shortbread. :) Only crunchy brown sugar for us - no velvety cookies make with icing sugar in this house, oh no!

OK. Enough naval gazing. I'm going to put on the Liv3s of Oth3rs and bake some cookies.

9:37 p.m. - 2007-12-09

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