enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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bundled up and endorphined out of my slump :)

I realized in part why I have been feeling so sad: yesterday was my mom's birthday. I guess I feel a mix of guilt and sadness. She never sent my books and I haven't heard from her in a couple of months. Ah well. I must remain calm and positive.

Oh sweet anxiety.

If ever I want a reality check I should read back through four or five of my recent entries.

I had not realized that they all said more or less the same things! More critically, I had not REMEMBERED that they said more or less the same things.

This tells me that I am in panic mode. My sincere apologies to anyone who has courteously been reading this!

It's a good wake-up call. It's obviously serious enough to be affecting my work and my concentration at work.

I think I've decided that the solution is to go and get a full-body massage. I haven't had a proper massage in literally a couple of years. A spa treatment is *just* what the doctor ordered.

Good. Good.

I went for a run along the canal, in the snow. I love winter running. I say this every year and it is always true. I love the soft cushioning of the snow, the fact that one has an automatic excuse for not getting anywhere fast, another excuse for prancing...I love to lift my knees high and to let my gait lengthen, smooth out my form. It feels beautiful. The light glistens on the snow capping the now-frozen canal, and there are only a few people out on the path. At the same time, since the trees have no leaves and the roads are exposed it is quite safe to run there. Soon the skaters will fill the canal at night, gliding and striding with great speeds up and along, into every nook and cranny - 8 kilometers worth of whooshing companionship for late-night running people.

That is it. I will have a small bit of wine and the Egyptian red lentil soup that I made and curl up with my knitting. It's not coming along terribly well but the wool is soft and pretty in my hands. It's in a rich, soft claret red and it will have a few large, mother-of-pearl buttons. I think that sometimes I will cinch it with a ribbon. It's a very funny design - with a thick bottom band and thick cuffs and button bands, and the main body with *slightly* batwing sleeves all knitted in one piece. It sounds silly but I think it is very feminine and pretty...and likely to be WARM! I can't wait to bundle up in it.

PS Super N-T article on perfectionism. Unfortunately I'm type 1, slightly type 3, and type 2 when it comes to dating. ;-) ACKKKKK. Save me from myself! The good news is that I've noticed myself slackening and tempering as one should, at least over the last year. article here

10:56 p.m. - 2007-12-06

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