enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I really feel quite sad at the moment.

Well, it was a bit of a disappointment.

Not an entire disappointment. And I need to figure out if it is just me. I can hear myself saying and doing things to sabotage my relationships, even so early on. It's quite disconcerting.

The long and the short of it is that I think he is a wonderful guy. I think he has all of the characteristics of respect, gentleness, warmth, patience, etc. for which one could ask.

What I think is this: He might not be sufficiently intellectual for me.

He's not stupid. Not at all. But I'm not sure that he has the degree of curiosity that I have. And that might be a problem.

To be honest, I'm sick to death of overly intellectual guys who lack everything else. I seem adept at finding these as well.

ARGHHH.

All I can tell you is that sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely and isolated. Like I read too much, know too much.

My absolute, perfect dream would be to find someone with whom I could communicate on all levels.

I don't mean to pat myself on the back excessively in saying this. It's just that whenever I am attracted to someone--and I am attracted to this lovely guy--he's not the one who can challenge me sufficiently. And when someone can challenge me sufficiently it usually turns out that in other areas I am thinking, "What an immature, commitment-phobic ass!"

The bottom line is that I feel lonely. Here I remain still without companionship, touch...being known.

When he dropped me off last night I thought, with great sadness, "Back to the drawing board."

Am I being too quick? Should I give him more time? The thing with this guy is for certain that even though he is not exceptionally intellectual or broad in his interests he is interested in mine. He is definitely the kind of guy who would *let* me be me. And I think there is a strong chance that he is interested in adventuring and opening up himself. Are these things enough?

10:04 a.m. - 2007-09-23

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