enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm interested in boring things.

I've burned myself out!

I realized this at the end of the day yesterday when my boss asked if we could meet and I was worried that I would be able to get the words out of my mouth to describe the work that I've been doing for the last week!

And I came home last night, fell aleep in my chair, and ended up sleeping for 12 hours last night (mostly in my bed though, thankfully).

But it's good. I feel contented that I'm taking care of business. And I will take a lovely vacation in September or October (in spite of my desire to not spend money), just because I should.

All good.

I read this morning that Andy Warhol once said, "I'm interested in boring things."

How cool. I think that that might be me as well. I like minutiae. I like watching the world roll by. When I travel I often spend entire days just walking and then finding somewhere to plant myself in order to watch the world go by. When in Rome I did not do as the Romans do; rather, I spent an inordinate amount of time sitting atop Gianicolo Ridge trying to sketch garden ornaments and other statuary situated in the ruins of a villa.

I'm a ball of laughs, I know. :)

God I love Saturdays. Why must Saturday mornings be so fleeting. They are, by far, my favourite time of the week.

OK. So I lie. Friday nights are fantastically liberating as well.

It's cool here in the big Zero today. Very cool. I'd like it if I weren't sniffly.

The sniffles are allergies though, I believe. Because we are in a valley the ragweed gets us terribly in late August.

It's been a marginally sad summer this year, without many visits to the bush. This must be rectified. Next summer will be the summer of camping.

I've actually been invited on an Adirondacks hiking trip over labour day weekend, but I'm thinking that the costs and the uncertainty attached to traveling with a group of mostly unknown people might make it a risky venture. (The poet scientist invited me as he and his girlfriend are going, and, frankly, I'm a bit concerned about his motivation...When canoeing he spends far too much time looking me over in my bathing suit. :()

So. Anyhow.

So the video store guy. He's definitely an attractive man. But attractive in a weird, sensitive and vulnerable way.

But I'm not some lonely 30-something woman who fancies a fling with her favourite video store guy.

It's a bit puzzling to me that other people feel differently.

Actually, I've never really understood the need that people have to find sex all over the place. Just because they can.

Yeah, sure, you can. So can I. But what do you really get from that?

I think the guy is right: I have something under wraps. I'm uptight, perhaps. :)

So do you remember the diplomat with whom I went out for a drink a few months ago. Who paid for his drink and not mine, took off abruptly, and when leaving added the insult of "I'll call you!" to the equation?

Well, he emailed me a couple of nights ago, out of the blue, and just as though it were the day after our drink!?!?!?

Men are so stupid.

I shouldn't say that. Some men are stupid.

But anyhow. My interest in him is naught so tough luck. Still, I politely replied.

I'm nice and time-wasteful in that way.

That's about it. I really have nothing interesting to say. I need to spend a few hours this weekend tracking the last ten years of my existence to fill out forms to update my security clearance status. THIS IS SUCH A PAIN in the butt.

No comments will be made here about either the Canadian S3curity and Int3lligence Ag3ncy or the Royal Canadian Mount3d Polic3.

No, no remarks will be made. :)

I'm a silly girl.

What will I read today?? I feel like an adventure today. Perhaps I will mind-travel with Fr3ya Stark. I just don't know.

I should read some statistics today but every girl needs to indulge herself in a little bit of liberty of a Saturday. :)

Bonne journee!

***

OH, I almost forgot. This morning I took a bottle of Pineau des Charentes to my landlord to thank him for his help with my air conditioning situation (he removed it, after having paid the workman to put it in) and for refusing to accept any money for the effort.

As we know, my relationship with my landlord has generally been problematic.

This morning, I think it was resolved. He raised the issue of his passes last fall and self-described as a "bad landlord." I think he's resolved that we are to be friends and that our conversations are pleasant enough to be valued for themselves and for him to encourage them by resisting any smarmy impulses.

So he made me a nice coffee and a little bit of breakfast and we chatted a bit about travel to rural France, which I'm hoping to do at some point.

It was a lovely little chat. And he played me some Paganini Sonatas for violin and guitar (he was a violinist, we will recall) on his cd player so that I could hear something of his current subject of fascination.

Civilisation! It's amazing how little of it is found in life that I cherish it that much more deeply when I find it.

Oh. And also, I received a letter upon arrival home last night, from the child whom I am sponsoring via World Vision. It made me cry.

It made me cry because I hate the kind of power that exists in such relationships. I hate the feeling that this child is compelled to write to me or at least speak to me through a translator. I don't want her to feel obligated. I don't want her mother to feel obligated.

Frankly, I hate the fact that people in the world are so poor that they must be helped by stupid selfish people like me with expensive clothes and big apartments and an excess of food and packaging and wasteful complexity. I sat down in my chair and cried for few minutes. Which is probably partly why I fell asleep.

It made me realize that after a year or two has passed in my job I really do need to take a leave from my job and go away on a small project with World T3ach or some other group and just do something to see parts of Africa or Latin America or something. I need to teach again. I feel kind of useless and inert and like I should be connecting and living in more of a person-to-person way. It's not a noble impulse--it's a craving for connection with a broader humanity. Or maybe just to find my own. I don't like the layers of protection that coat my life. It's like looking at the world through cellophane, I think.

I'm musing. I have no idea what I'm doing. The poet scientist has given me the contacts for a tutoring program through the Children's Aid Soci3ty so I'm going to start with that for now. I really do miss teaching.

The beautiful girl in my office gave me the greatest compliment the other day. She said that I should be a mother, since I'd be a really fun mother. (She has two young children and we were chatting about her children's Regist3red Educ@tion Savings funds. It was cool. I can't think of a better compliment. And if that isn't to be in the usual way then I'll just have to put those impulses to good use in other parts of my life. :)

1:33 p.m. - 2007-08-18

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