enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Light tomorrow with today

I don't know why, but that's all that I feel like saying tonight.

And I just googled it and was reminded that it is an Elizabeth Barrett Browning quote and that seems just right.

So light tomorrow with today! Or tomorrow with tomorrow! Or something like that!

OH so you know what? There's just no way that that could POOOOSSSSIBLY be all that I have to say. I am full of verbiage. So I'll end this note by stating that I had one of those neon-lit conversations with my video store guy (how presumptuous of me), as the video store was about to close tonight.

What it boiled down to is that he had sort of identified that we are two people walking around on the earth who are not often understood but who recognized each other almost instantly as somewhat kindred. And I would agree. But what he said he felt was the big difference between us is that I have my sexuality under wraps and he does not.

This was an interesting and perceptive idea. What he meant effectively is that I'm not a flirt. This is a point of pride with me. I don't build my self-esteem by playing with people. That's not my thing.

But what really came across is that he meant to say that my body language makes me seem aloof, cold, prudish even.

I am not really any of these things. Well, perhaps I am the first, at times.

I suppose that I was somewhat bemused by the observation and also somewhat alarmed. I've been hiding; I'm so good at hiding from the world. I'm afraid to put anything out there lest I be rejected.

But at the same time I must say that I have learned to have the body language of a neutered person for practical reasons. First and foremost is the fact that I work with men. And many of them are very attractive and married or attractive and young. They do not need or deserve any encouragement. :) In fact, I work in a very good-looking shop. I am one of the few relatively unattractive people there (although what I lack in beauty I make up for in personality :)). In truth, the shop is downright beautiful. The girl with whom I am currently working on a core project is drop-dead gorgeous. (Fortunately she's wickedly smart and nice, too...)

So where was I going with this?

I suppose the thing is that closed body language is bad. But in the case of my video store guy he may simply be picking up on the fact that although I believe that we share some interests and beliefs I am never going to be flirting with a guy not who works in a video store but a guy who works in a video store and who has told me about the affairs that he has been having with numerous video store clients .

You'd think that he might have clued into the fact that I wouldn't find that to be particularly attractive.

I'm truly babbling nonsensically. You will forgive me. I must sleep. I am way behind in my work and tomorrow will be a challenging day.

11:33 p.m. - 2007-08-16

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