enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm baaack. Perhaps not what you want to hear. :)

My ass hurts.

I know that that isn't the most delicate of entry beginnings. But it's true.

I've started running regularly again and it seems that I am, indeed, old. I've pulled my right piriformis at the attachment. So when I extend my right leg I get the feeling that there is a raw spot in the middle of my fleshy parts. Not an unfamiliar feeling but since I don't need to compete these days I'm not going to pop any napr0syn.

If I can stick with the training and get over the hump I am sure that I will be reasonably fast and it will be relatively easy to train properly again. Or at least in theory these are possibilities.

But the thing is that the body is rebelling in a way that it has never done before. And in a way I like this about my body: I rather need things to kick me in the ass to get me to devote my energies to new things. My mind through my body may be telling me, "STOP TRAINING ALREADY YOU FOOL!"

And my body would probably be correct. Should I really be spending my days training and my weekends traveling to races? Isn't ten years enough? Isn't there more in life to learn? Yes, yes there is.

So I woke up this morning quite late--after the late movie--and flicked on the radio to my favourite program. I love, love, love the Sunday Ed!tion.

This morning there was a documentary playing about a woman who had trekked and guided people through Algonquin Park in the 30s and 40s and 50s. They had clips of an interview with her conducted before her death in 2005.

It was so delightful. Lately I've been struggling to figure out what the passion will be that will replace running in my life. I need passion above all things. And I don't have it right now. I'm just puddling along.

I mean, I like my job. I'm working on issues to do with women and poverty, older workers, and equity generally. And I'm in a shop in which I can do both research and design policy that goes up to the top. I'm lucky. SO lucky. I've waited such a long time to feel peace at work.

But the thing is that work will never be LIFE for me. And I know that there is something else--so much more of me--itching to come out. It's finding a way to release it.

I need to start drawing again. And knitting again. And I need to start sewing. I must schedule these things for the summer.

OH, wow, off-topic alert. So the point of talking about the lady on the radio who canoe trekked is that I think that the outdoors are an unexplored passion of mine. I've always felt so alive when in Algonquin Park. And I loved my parents' forest before they up and MOVED recently. (They drive me crazy.)

I mean, my parents moved to a beautiful area near a provincial park. But it's farmland and flat and near to a Great Lake. I wish they'd stayed in their little log house in the woods, rocks and hills. But it's their life to live.

So, anyhow. I'm joining an outdoors club for the first time on Wednesday night. I'm going to start with canoeing. I rarely put a paddle in the water these days. And I'm going to build up to trekking, which I haven't done since I was a child. It's right. I get such peace from being in nature. Call me crazy, but I like sleeping on the ground.

Mostly, I like working every muscle in my body. And I like the smell of pine needles.

I think this will do me some good.

I'm such a bunch of contradictions. I like being sans maquillage, dirty, sweaty...and yet I love clothes so very much. When in the city I tend to prefer dresses and skirts and red and blue and pink shoes.

Call me crazy.

Closest to my heart are drawing and painting. And yet I don't do them these days.

Ava and I went out for dinner on Friday night and she was pressuring me to take a trip to Paris. She thinks I should go this summer. I don't want to spend the money. And perhaps September would be better.

But there is always another day and another excuse and it all leads to nothing. So if I can pursuade myself to put in a request for vacation, and to actually buy a plane ticket, I think I'll go to London and Paris for nine days or so in the next little while. I simply need to decide on the timing. I probably should wait until September or October, non?

OK. I'm boring myself a little so I think I will sign out now. I should shower and otherwise plan to join in on some of the Canada Day activities. I can't be a party-pooper all day, after all.

Really, I can't. I pretend that I'm a curmudgeon but if truth be told I am nothing but a wide-eyed child.

11:34 a.m. - 2007-07-01

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