enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Second entry for today.

I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I've been ruminating on something that I wrote to teranika today, about being in situations through my life in which I felt that I could only be 30% me, or reveal 70% of me, etc., etc.

This is what I'm feeling at the moment. It's a profound feeling of lonliness.

Am I doing something wrong? Have I always approached life and friends in the wrong way?

To some degree I've always felt isolated from the group. My friendships have always been deep and particular, but slow-growing and limited to a few unusual people.

I mean, at work and in other venues I am always well-liked. But there is a distance between me and them. I suppose that they sense that I don't want to go deeper.

I suppose that I should explain my need to ramble in this way. It's the coffee that I had with Larry today, of course.

When I was with him today we fell into the same pattern that we were in during our relationship: I'd say something that I thought was perceptive; he's say, "you overanalyze everything." And when he says that I try to jokingly remind him that I am in fact an analyst by profession. But what the ultimate effect is is that he silences me to a degree. I feel as though something about who I am is embarrassing or wrong, and I start to shut it down. I had that feeling so often when I was with him: that if I were to reveal my true thoughts or my true hurt or my true enthusiasm for something he'd shut me down.

Of course this was not the feeling that I had most of the time with him. Most of the time I felt warm affection. He's like a puppy dog in many ways. I realize that that is not the foundation for a relationship but I felt something for him that I just. can't. shake.

Even though it was so wrong for me. :(

I hate to say the words but I just can't seem to shake him. I suppose that there is/was a part of me that has hoped that he would come running back one day, ready to accept and enjoy all of me.

Of course none of this will ever be.

He ran off after our coffee to watch the hockey game with friends at a pub nearby. After the game was over and the Senators had won the series--and so are now in the playoffs--everyone spilled out onto the street into a spontaneous parade--men, women, children. And all I could think as I walked by the screaming, face-painted people and the boys honking their horns in cars is "Why do these people care so much about a hockey team?"

More to the point: Why DON'T I care about the same things as other people do. I've never fitted in to the available groups. Even had Larry and I had something unique and strong to bind us, I'd never mesh with his friends and acquaintances.

I mean it's not that I don't like people with stories different than my own. Quite the contrary. But I just don't hang around playing pool and talking about hockey very well. I can't motivate myself to care. I wish I did; I have a feeling that life would be much easier if I could.

So I guess what I'm thinking as I'm sitting here is that I'm so profoundly lonely at the moment as I so rarely get to be 100% me. And when I go about my business trying not to reveal the ways in which I am different from the people around me I feel so hollow. I feel hollow and lonely. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find a place in which to thrive.

But who am I to complain. This afternoon I was invited to tea party that took place during the game. :) I've been invited to brunch by my pervy landlord for tomorrow or Monday. ;)

More importantly I went to a lovely dinner party with some economist friends last night. These people are warm and kind and funny and we had a great time. The wife of one of them--a school chum of mine--became a great friend over the course of the last eight months (nourishing a longstanding acquaintance).

And another friend--a friend of Claus's, actually--invited me to a BBQ next weekend. And I've been invited to a concert next Saturday night as well. And to drinks with work colleagues next Tuesday, to celebrate the completion of the Status of Women Committee work.

I really shouldn't complain. I just wish that I could comfortably fit somewhere every day, rather than only fleetingly, periodically.

Who am I kidding though. That's why I have an online diary--because I go through my life not finding enough kindred spirits. It gets tiring putting on a face and pretending to care about someone's great cell phone, or what's on tv, or the Senators' last game, or half of the things that are supposed to enter into my consciousness on a daily basis. I know that there are people out there who understand. If only more of them were accessible in daily life. :(

7:42 p.m. - 2007-05-19

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