enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm dressed to meet the Queen, in a strapless floral dress, matching gold shoes and a little cardigan. I had tea with old ladies this afternoon, which explains the outfit...

Oh, friends, I am PATHETIC.

I've seriously not been taking great care of myself lately. Thanks to Clausy and his able cooking and packing of healthy leftovers for lunches I did eat well early in the week. But I've had a few too many drinks in the last week (four last night), and generally haven't been running.

I do walk to and from work these days, briskly, which amounts to 40 minutes each way and which I suppose is some exercise.

So I had coffee with Larry today, in spite of the fact that I look awful and was feeling horribly hung over. I could tell that he was noticing that I did not look good, which hurt.

In a way I felt rebellious and satisfied with myself for not giving a ___ about meeting him in that way, but I was definitely too defensive with him. I suppose there was a part of me that wanted him to still need and want me. Clearly he does not. He hesitated at a few points and I think he was hesitating to tell me about a new girlfriend.

ACK. Why do I care? I still have feelings for him, even though I know that they are inappropriate, futile, stupid...

But you know what? I know myself much better than to say that I'm just lonely and am wearing rose-coloured glasses. I have real feelings for him and I did back in the winter as well. In spite of his simplicity, insufficiencies, criticisms of me, whatever...there's something in him that I find so very appealing.

But the thing is that I strongly suspect that what I like in him is something that I'd have to liken to potential. And you can't build a life or a relationship on potential. This is particularly true when it is potential that the person himself does not want to actualize.

ACK. I'm a moron.

And silly, young, Scottish genius wrote me a conciliatory note last night. Of course I realize that the motivation for it is that he's realizing that it's not particularly easy to find someone new and reasonably interesting to date...

Seriously, I want to hang my head in shame at the moment over my silly feelings...Up and down, back and forth.

Loneliness sucks. A sex-free life sucks.

ACKKKKKKKKKK. All I do is work. And obsess.

I should be speaking about the other parts of my life in very general terms, instead. I have an interesting job and a good future ahead of me. I like my boss. I have amazing views from my desk. I have natural light! And cute young men who mistakenly believe me to be in my twenties or early thirties keep on popping their heads around my door to ask me for coffee! It's such a coffee department! But the files are wide-ranging and interesting, and our big boss is amazing (which explains the files).

4:25 p.m. - 2007-05-19

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