enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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This has truly been a dark night of the soul.

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to change myself. Really much. I need to figure out how to fit in with mainstream society a little bit better.

I need to start practising, making effort to be like other people. More importantly--and what I'm probably getting at--is that I need to get out and about with more people in order to learn to be much less sensitive. If I can learn that it's not always all about me and that people are not always judging me I will likely become much happier. What makes me miserable in life is the way that I flog myself with everyone else's reactions to me. I take everything too hard, and I feel as though every rejection is an indictment of me.

So, seriously, I need to practise. I need to practise not constantly feeling inferior and hurt, or waiting to feel inferior or hurt. If I can settle in, people will not sense the insecurity on me like blood. I will be much more attractive-in the important ways, not the physical ways on which I have been focusing my attention of late.

I'm always so wrong. Why does it take me so long to figure things out? I have to suffer endlessly first.

This is coming from an aching wish to be the kind of girl with whom Larry would want to be. I'm honestly at the point at which I feel that the relationship could have been quite good, if only I hadn't been so insecure. In other words, if only I hadn't been the person that I am, I think he would have accepted the challenging part of my personality more readily. We could have complemented and improved and benefited each other. Instead, I made myself painfully unattractive.

I AM painfully unattractive. And it's not about my hair or my plain face or my inferior fashion sense. It's plain and simply that I feel ugly from the inside out. I feel unworthy, unloveable. I'm turning these things into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And by hiding away and not dating for the last few years I haven't grown--it's like taking a seed out of the light--I've protected myself. I doubt though that it did me any good. I feel really vulnerable and weak, like I've just emerged into the world again. I just hope it gets better.

It's so sad to say but I feel as though Larry is a guy I would want to be with, but that the problem was the mismatch in our levels of development in the LIVING of life. I mean, I can't even be bothered to decorate my apartment. And I haven't been reading. And I haven't been painting. And I haven't been doing much volunteer work. And I've been declining invitations to do things. I'm a complete fraud who sits around her apartment wishing for things to be better. It's me and not him who needed to change. I couldn't be myself with him not because he didn't want me to be myself, but because I knew that I was a complete phony and wasn't anymore what I told him I was.

ARGH. It would seem that perhaps I am both neurotic AND a crazy old cat lady. Without the cats.

12:19 p.m. - 2007-05-20

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