enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Please rescue me from this brain loop.

Oh GAWD...I am in a mood.

I was able to keep it together pretty well today, even though I'm at a stage in the write-up of my project at which I feel utterly OVERWHELMED. The stupid, manufactured crises of my personal life in the last couple of weeks or so kept me from being sufficiently focused. As a result I am VERY FAR behind. It will take all of my focused energy to pull this off.

Otherwise, I believe that I received a hint from someone in the know that indeed the panic attack during my test last week soiled my fantastic interview so that I did not get the job. I refuse to believe this yet, however, so I am going to take all of those "Secret" touting people seriously and tell myself that I got the job, ask the universe for the job, whatever. ;)

I'm so tired of feeling sad.

I enjoy my run home from work. It's the best part of my day. I carry a loaded backpack. I climb a big hill. My heart works hard and I punish myself for my foolish sorrows and indiscipline.

But when I get home things shift somewhat. Tonight I opened the door to my apartment and I could see the things in my pretty living room softly illuminated and I started to cry for loneliness. I wish that I could at least have a cat. But if I were to get one I'd be 1) evicted; 2) unable to breathe without asthma medication.

Actually, you can't technically evict someone in Ontario for having a pet. A legal decision ruled that it falls within the provisions of the human rights code, or something like that. You know what I mean.

I feel so stupid for feeling lonely that there are no messages on my answering machine, and no emails, and no date plans and no hope.

I mean, I'm a moron. A girl from my work called me last night just to make sure that I had eaten something, since I'd told her that I haven't been eating lately! And C. called me at lunch--actually, to pester me about other job applications, which ticked me off in spite of the necessity--and is always there for me.

And my mom sent me nice messages today and two guys asked me out. First, the scientist. He invited me to a poetry event at the National Arts C3ntre tomorrow. I need to work though and I am just not ready to date.

The other guy is a tricky one. He's a friend of a friend. He was actually at the Thanksgiving party in October. And he works in my building so I occasionally have lunch with him and our mutual friends. He was out with the group on Friday night. I also chat with him on the bus sometimes, if we happen to catch the same one.

I like this guy, find him intelligent, find him funny, etc. The problem is that he was married once when he was much younger, has a teenaged son, and firmly doesn't want any more kids. I feel pretty certain at this point that I would like to have a child, if possible. I mean, I'm realistic about the risks and the likelihood. But I haven't written off the possibility quite yet. Which I think has made this breakup from the illusion of a relationship that I had make me think so hard, feel so hard.

Bottom line: I've got to stop over-thinking everything. Practically, for a change, I've decided that I will not embark on any dating until I have secured a permanent job. I really need my life to be in better order before I subject myself to any more emotional roller-coaster riding. That is for certain.

I need some new things to spark and illuminate my brain. I feel as though my brain is atrophying. I should be more curious, more lively.

My body, too. I've been running minimally, can't motivate myself to go skating. I think I'll force myself to go out to the canal and run a little bit more now. And then I will force myself to cook some nice food.

Isn't it sad when a healthy, employed, nice young lady has to force herself to do things that should only be pleasurable? :( I'm ashamed of myself.

OK. Focus on gratitude, peace, contentment.

I've decided that once I get a permanent contract I am going to buy myself a piano--or at least a keyboard--so that I can play my sorrows away as I used to do. I need the world to fall away. I need the world to fall away.

OK. Shoes will go back on. I will make a beeline for the canal. :)

Sorry for being so dull. I'm trying to think of something amusing but it is just not in me at the moment.

6:53 p.m. - 2007-02-20

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