enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I feel pissy, for lack of a better word.

I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm playing hookey (I never remember how to spell this word) from nights out with two different groups of people. A part of me thinks that I should drag myself out...somewhere...but I feel paralysed. I'm more attracted to the idea of turning off the radio and plunking myself down in front of a What Not to W3ar marathon.

I feel rather sad.

I've spent the last month clearly obsessed with my new old finding that relationships and learning about oneself in the process of forming new ones can suck with great grandeur.

That should be enough to indicate that I'm genuinely on the fence about continuing the one that I am in. He has been good to me and consistent but I think his insecurities are getting the better of him. He said some things about other women who are interested in him last night that were clearly designed to keep me on my toes. Mostly I felt sick to my stomach and sad.

I am worth more than that. I am always worth more than that.

So perhaps it will be back to the drawing board quite soon.

I'm having a crazy pre-period day though and I am not fully explaining the circumstances so I am biting my tongue and avoiding answering the phone. Sometimes avoiding incidents involving saying things not quite worth saying strikes me--even in my frantic, sugar-soaked state--as the best strategy.

I'm sorry that I have not yet caught up in my reading of everyone's diaries. Tomorrow. I am going to hide out mostly on the weekend I think. I'm going to bake teranika's bread, too. :)

I think a hot bath is in order. Mostly I need to start reading again, writing, being me...I've lost a bit of myself in the frenzy of the last couple of months. I can think of nothing better than taking a long look back at the woman I am and clawing her back again.

And I realize that no one is interested in my bland and potentially-to-be shortlived relationship so I am going to not speak about it again. :) Gosh I'm feeling so sheepish and guilty in my arrogance over the scientist.

8:07 p.m. - 2007-01-05

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other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell