enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I am slowly crawling my way back to a normal existence and some better life-patterns.

Super-interesting NYT article here.

News: I feel like a million bucks.

I've re-equilibriated. Completely.

On Saturday night I expressed all of my reservations to the guy. He responded fairly and courteously. I don't know where or if this relationship is going from here, but I'm so glad to have my backbone back.

And you know what? Work went swimmingly today. I was back to my workaholic ways, and I'm excited about the paper that I am writing. I started brainstorming the book chapters for the book that I must write too.

The only bad news is that I stayed too late at work and was written up by the security guard who trolled our floor after hours. So my boss will get a note tomorrow about my misbehaviour. So silly not to be able to work late!

Anyhow. I'm happy. I'm good. And I think I am going to run a marathon in the spring. Only I will run this marathon on only three days of training per week, and for fun.

I don't think I've mentioned this but I have hardly been running at all since September. In fact, contrary to my past of consistent 80-100 mile weeks, I think my average of 15-20 miles (tops) represents a rather impressively healthy scaling back!

I think I'm finally ready to reclaim the space in my life that is for running, but as a fun runner rather than a front-of-the-pack runner. It feels good. No, it feels great.

And yes, I am definitely going to eat some nice cheese. Right this instant! (I haven't yet had time to bake any bread though. :( )

Here's a little blurb that I wrote today at the office:
I heard a couple of women on the radio yesterday, cackling about the fact that there is a verb in Italian that expresses the idea of �stirring in the fat.� I think that�s beautiful�the fact that there exists such a verb. I loathe anti-fat culture, in all almost all forms.

So here I am, at my desk, eating a dreary pot of beans and spinach and brown rice for lunch. I think it�s mostly dreary because the whole tone of the world is dreary. It is ridiculously unseasonably warm and this scares the crap out of me. Too bad there aren�t a couple of million people who feel similarly about this.

Actually, enough people in Canada have been hit in their pocketbooks (i.e. in the only effectual place) by this warm spell; this in itself likely explains recent poll results that have finally seen the environment hurdle health care as citizens� number one concern. For whatever that is worth.

I sound like a creep. And a cynic. I�ll blame it on an excess of sinus pressure. I�ll also blame it on the fact that although yesterday was bright and sunny, it was practically as dark as night when I got up for work this morning. Blech!

Work is going well again, finally. My brain seems to have kicked into high gear and I had a very impressively lucid conversation on the phone with my co-author an hour ago. En route to the elevators a half an hour ago I decided that this is because I am no longer infatuated, en route to being in love, emotionally preoccupied. I�ve cooled on the guy who has received so much of my time in the last month and a half. I�d like to say that I fully trust the cooling, and also that I fully understand it, but I�m leaning in the direction of the following two conclusions:

1) He�s a bit too vain for my taste. Whether this comes from insecurities that can eventually be zapped cannot at this point be said.

2) Probably related to the preceding remark, he does not make me feel beautiful. And I don�t mean that a guy whom I�m with should always tell me that I am beautiful. I am not. But I know more than anything else that the guy with whom I�ll spend a long time will be one who looks at me and sees the *whole* woman and thinks she�s fabulous. I�m not getting this from that guy. I�m more than good enough for him and for the company he keeps, and yet I get the feeling that things like what I wear and how I do my hair when we go out really matter to him. I don�t know if I�m crazy to be irked by this. Is it unreasonable to expect to be loved and revered by someone exactly as I am? (I return the same to the other.)

Ah, well. That�s it. It�s time to go and satisfy my current sweet craving. I think that this diary is going to become preoccupied with economic issues in the next couple of weeks�I have to prepare for important interviews to take place in two weeks. I swear that I will not be so relationship obsessed in future.

Actually, I will say one last thing: I�ve learned a great deal through this recent episode of throwing my hat in the dating/relationship ring. I think this is a great thing. I finally understand why they always gave out participation medals and ribbons in school. :-) Good grief I am a slow learner.

8:19 p.m. - 2007-01-08

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