enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My stomach is full of delicious sake-don and yet I feel like throwing up.

Rough day. My work is coming along well but my boss cut the deadline today from Nov. 22 to...this Thursday. ACKKKKKKKKKKK. At least this is for the promising reason that the work is of importance to the Big Guy and hence the rush.

The bad news is that my boss wants to hire me permanently, but, as I guessed, the competition is delayed. This means that I am likely to be unemployed for at least a few months early in the year. I am trying to not let this hurt too badly, but it is very difficult for me to look around me at all of the incompetent and lazy people in this and related organizations and not feel like the Cursed Person. I have always understood that many people in disadvantaged circumstances are simply unlucky; I just don't know why so much poor luck has to rain down on me.

Rationally, I know that there is really nothing to feel terrible about. Either this job will work out, only with a delay, or another job will arise. And I don't even feel comfortable around my boss, which is--or should be--a good reason to look elsewhere in any event. But I am an irrational creature and a prideful one; I feel despair at the thought of relative 'freedom'.

I feel all-around terrible right now, and this feeling isn't aided by being 1) too full from having lunch and dinner out today--I hate that overfull feeling; 2) my hormones shifting into 'monthly' mode.

And the dinner tonight did not do anything but depress me. I took my library 'mentor' out for dinner. He's a lovely guy and well-connected, but talking to him just made me realize that I'd like even less to compete in these endless government competitions for a librarian job than for an economist job; I was plunged right back into the bored and weary feelings I spent the entire year battling as I completed the MLIS degree.

Today, I hate my life. And this is immature and stupid. But sometimes one really just needs to let loose and cry.

And how I wish I could skip work tomorrow. I have to prepare my work for Thursday presentation and this during a simulated natural disaster evacuation of our damn building. And I'm so claustrophobic when stuck high up in an office tower in a stairwell with an endless stream of slow-moving people below me.

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH. I'm so miserable tonight.

And let me tell you what else added to my misery today: I found out that the only woman who has ever been a rival just had a second baby and now owns a house in Vancouver. She and her husband happily jog with their baby strollers to work each morning. I know I should not compare myself to others, and I wouldn't really want to be her, but I just felt like such a (for lack of a better word) *loser* when I heard this.

This evening I decided to go to pick up my special package of yarn at the postal outlet, but when I arrived I discovered that I would have to pay $20 in duty and taxes since Cust0ms Canada mistook the label that said "knitting kit" for "knife kit" (it took me a while to figure out how in the heck they thought that I was importing a "knife/electric/Tables de cuisson--electrique." Seriously, just shoot me now. And then of course to pay the $20 in duty I gave the guy my bank card...which was promptly rejected by his machine. So I had ten minutes of abject panic as I raced home to check my savings account to ensure that my life savings had not suddenly evaporated at the hands of some Internet or other thief (thankfully not--second reason for copious tears today).

Just so, so, so not a good day. May none of you have such a dreadful day anytime soon.

(And I almost forgot to mention that I have the additional sadness of being still engaged in an ongoing argument with my mother. My parents have also decided to go to stay with friends in Florida for Christmas--for a variety of reasons--so I won't even have a place to go during that time period. C. will be in the U.S. visiting his brother --who is working in Chicago--as well as some other relatives. Of course he invited me along but I do not enjoy other people's family gatherings. I do wish that my grandmother were still alive. Oh well. I will make my own fun, comforted in the knowledge that many people love me and have loved me, even if absent. It is really not so bad. As I established earlier in the year, I am not dying. And I have established through my recent work that I have not lost any of my research skills or general employability. Things could be worse.)

11:31 p.m. - 2006-11-06

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