enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish my hormones would take a day off.

OK. So I'm feeling much better now. I have a little bit of perspective.

I'll still probably get my current job if I want it, just with a delay.

I contacted a friend and two managers in his workplace are very interested in seeing my resume for immediate competitions.

And..the piece de resistance is that the PERFECT job, as in my IDEAL job showed up on the government recruitment site today. If I get this job, I will never look for another job. And it's like the job was MADE for me; there just can't be too many people out there with my exact and somewhat unusual combination of experience and education.

Of course one never gets jobs that seem to be made for one. :)

So the point is that I need to BREATHE. Not only will I have a permanent job soon (and, really, it would be fun to have a few months off to improve my French, do some art, whatever...one should never spit in the face of a chance to enjoy life). And I'm a super-lucky person as I have friends who have offered to help me financially should I require it. In fact, my super-rich friend wants to pay my rent in the winter so that I don't have to run down my savings. How many people are so lucky as to have such a big safety net? (She claims she merely wants to pay me for the painting that I did for her a few years ago and that sits in a place of honour in her living room, plus numerous winters of shoveling her snow.)

Not many; that is for sure.

I'm a fortunate person and it is time to count my many, many blessings.

So today I also feel good about my work. I have a meeting with the boss tomorrow to present work that he will in turn present to the Big Guy. It is all my work and it tells an interesting story, if a preliminary one. I need never be ashamed as I always do my best.

And, best yet, the first batch of wool that arrived is absolutely gorgeous. Last night I started knitting the first cardigan of the two that I intend to make. And the scientist has invited me out for an evening of Mexican food, a discussion of books and our little book venture, and a play on Friday night.

It could be much, much worse.

The thing that I realize about me--and that C. always reminds me of--is that my problem is that because of bad things that happened to me when I was younger (dad getting ill and dying, getting attacked in my own bed by an intruder to my apartment in my 20s, breaking up with my fiance in my late 20s, being tortured by my Ph.D. supervisor, numerous episodes of poverty both as a kid and as a student because of my father's dastardly, miserly family, being abandoned by my father's family in general) I always expect the very worse to happen to me. I tend to focus in on the worst possible outcomes, assuming that those are the only ones that could possibly happen to me. I am fragile that way.

I've got to stop being fragile. I must choose to be exactly as strong as I am. And, as I said above, I have unconditional support from friends and my mother, step-father and brothers. I am lucky. I am healthy. I am OK. It is a big, big world and as my friend has reminded me, I have many years in which to work.

Hmm.. I really wish I knew who could be reading this (I realize, not many people), as my friend and I have decided that in the winter I should finally put to paper the book that we have been wanting to write for ages and I'd like to be able to talk about it here. Think of an intelligent woman's response to The Rul3s. But funny--oh so funny-- as I am full of stories (mostly at her expense). I know, I know, I am not the world's most talented writer. I do, however, think this is worth a shot.

7:21 p.m. - 2006-11-08

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell