enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why can't I be independently wealthy and not need to work a day job? :)

OK. I know you're going to think I'm nuts, but I'm thinking again about a change in career.

The bloom is definitely off the rose with respect to my job. I like the money, I like not being bothered much, but I don't like my boss--weird and moody--and I don't like the fact that the work has seeped into every hour of my daily existence. I could take this if I were doing something creative, but it's less palatable in the work in which I find myself.

The thing that always happens to me when I do economics is that any pleasure in it rapidly evaporates, and any faith in its accuracy and even usefulness steadily unravels. I become caught up in a never-ending process of trying to make it conform to my idea of 'useful.'

I like the analytical way in which economists think, but what perhaps I need and am not getting is a more direct and immediate sense that I am contributing to something good in the world. I mean, I'd be great in a service job--teaching, for example. That is I would be if many people didn't rapidly annoy and weary me (which I'm too polite to express). Ah it's a conundrum.

But what I know is this: I need to apply my very strong work ethic, focus, and dedication to perfection (let's leave it at high quality work, shall we) to something that involves the creation of either physical or emotional beauty. It's as simple as that. If there were anything to wrap up in a simple expression my desire as a human being it is that.

So now to reconcile earnings and security issues with achieving greater satisfaction in my life. OY.

Something that disturbs me about myself is that I've been putting off not liking my boss, because it feels inappropriate to me to not like one's boss. But we had a --long, drawn-out--work dinner on Wednesday that I think I mentioned before, that was sheer torture. I realized during it that, indeed, he's not a guy who makes me comfortable. I think he has a cruel streak in him, and I trust such instincts that I have about people. It makes me sad to think of the degree to which I compromise myself out of fear.

So it's Saturday morning, my favourite day of the week. I've turned away all dates for this weekend. C. is coming up from Montreal today for a friend's birthday party. I was going to make a cake for it but instead I--guiltily--ordered one from the little bakery down the street. I don't like myself when I get in these moods of not wanting to make things. My energy is deflated lately; which is why I can tell already that this job is not a good long-term choice for me. There must be a better option at which I can be more fulfilled and make more money. :)

Why not dream big?

So the scientist amazes me. When I first met him I thought he was perhaps a little bit self-aggrandizing, but he really is a great reader. And he's surprising at turns. He told me the other day that he dropped out of high school at one point, and so he surprised himself by going on to get a Ph.D. in microbiology. He writes me cute little notes about his experiments, as though he were writing about the taking of cup of tea, or meditating his way through a problem via its expression to me. Perhaps I am his muse? ;)

How sad is it that my favourite time in the week is this exact time during which I sit by myself in my pretty apartment, doing odd cleaning and organizing tasks (this morning vacuuming, cleaning out the fridge, laundry), and thinking about pretty things that could be made? My happiest times are always when I can retreat inside myself, which is at once a bonus and a worry.

It's time to figure out how to get outside of myself for good. First, however, I have the decidedly unpleasant task ahead of me of talking to my landlord. I dislike the man but my fridge is not working as well as it should and I want him to replace it.
I could imagine what would get me a new fridge, but the thought would undoubtedly cause me to projectile-vomit my coffee and toast.

Well, I'm babbling, as usual. I need to go out to return a sweater that I bought last week. It's nice but it's grey and I do not want to wear grey. I will always wear black, but I think it is time that I start wearing more colour when not trying to feel elegant and/or sleek in black.

That's enough of my exciting life for this morning. Ha--Bonnie and Clyde is on the radio. I do love the CBC.

10:35 a.m. - 2006-11-04

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell