enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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super epiphany

So I had a gigantic epiphany last night.

This is going to make you laugh, I am sure.

I was watching tv and some commercial was peddling the next great face cream. In the commercial the woman starts out lying in bed. It is clearly morning. As she awake she exclaims something like, "I'm getting wrinkles!"

So I'll inform you of the specifics of my epiphany. :) It's that we live in a culture of shame. More pertinently, when I include my personal upbringing I realize that my entire life has been one of layer upon layer of shame. I guess my epiphany was not so much that the culture promotes shame but that I have readily accepted that message.

See, I told you you'd be laughing (at my simplicity, I am sure).

So the thing is that I've decided to actively, consciously try to reject shame from now on.

I'll never forget the sigh of relief that I felt in the hairdresser's chair a week ago Friday, when I saw my natural hair colour emerging again.

So I resolve never again to feel pressured to dye my hair. This is not to criticize those who do; it is simply to say that I don't want to feel that I must do it too to be attractive.

More importantly, I want to accept my wrinkles, under-eye circles, age spots, whatever as they arrive. Why should I be ashamed of being 36? Why should I hide anything that I am?

Le@h McL@ren in the Globe had a good piece about this last weekend, with a specific focus on deodourizing products for the vaginal area. Nothing wrong with using them if one truly desires it. But I reject the message that women's body scents are unacceptable as they are.

So all I've really decided is that it is time to be me. Think of all of the money that can be saved and put into things and causes that will give me a deeper sense of satisfaction with myself as a human being.

I don't mean for this to sound self-righteous. I don't mean to judge those who feel differently. But I want--for me--to feel proud of what just is rather than what I can manufacture. I think I owe that to myself. And it's a philosophy that if applied to my physical self will hopefully encroach on my more troubled perceptions of my talents and intellectual life.

So that's it.

I know there was something else that I wanted to say but I've already forgotten it. Hmmm... Well, I have discovered that I have too many plans for the next week. I feel constantly pulled in different directions. Six of the guys with whom I've been on dates in the last two months have tried to arrange evening dates for this week. Though flattering, this is peculiar and I really must put a stop to it. I accepted one dinner date for next Saturday night and then I realized that I am supposed to be bringing a birthday cake to a friend's birthday celebration on that evening. I have a coffee date with the History professor this week; with him I will follow through, since he is returning from a conference in Israel (on diplomacy) and I want to hear all about it. I also have an evening date with the scientist (and I don't even include him in the six), although that is about books and so will be relaxing. I am, too, supposed to be going to see Congor@ma with the French Canadian guy.

Sigh. Too much activity. I think I need to retreat back into myself for a while. I spent yesterday listening to the radio and knitting the back of a sweater. Today I'll run and...knit the front of a sweater. And the scary thing to some is that I can think of nothing to do that I would enjoy more this weekend. I canceled my single coffee date. You can call me spinster. :)

****Added later

I know what I was wanting to talk about!

I've kept my profile on that dating site, although I haven't dated anyone new in a month. I also don't intend to date anyone new in the near future, unless someone incredible comes along. I always politely reply to people when they go out on a limb and write to me though.

So this is the thing that irks me (and excuse me if I have--likely--written about this before). Many of the men who contact me are roughly 50 or older, even though my profile states that I am looking for a man roughly 40 or under. It really pisses me off (and yes I mean PISSES me off) that so many men--even middling old bureacrats--feel that they are entitled to a young body. There's this message in their writing that they are too young for women their own age, which really, really ANGERS me. To top all of this off, given that there is substantial evidence that men have a biological clock too and that birth defects and chronic disabilities can be traced to the sperm of older men as well as to older eggs, it is not even true that older men should necessarily be having second families. And don't get me started on the idea that men are entitled to get a "second chance" with a new, young family. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seriously, not receptive to this at all. I don't care how many hours you spend riding your bicycle in the Gatineau Hills or how many marathons you have jogged...you are still not 36, dude.

10:36 a.m. - 2006-10-29

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