enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Finally getting into the groove!

Hey dudes,

I woke up with my neck incredibly stiff, AGAIN, but I still feel marvelous.

I've figured it out. I was reading something last night about "the shadow" (yes, I'm overdosing on stuff like this at the moment - I'm a perfectionist, so what do you expect!), and I read this: "You get the emotions that you think you deserve!"

That's it! Drum roll! I mean, I know it's obvious, in that thoughts underpin emotions...but I'm slow like that.

I can't honestly say that I believe I need to be unhappy anymore in my life. Andrea was a part of a long chain of events that reminded me that I deserve a good life. I don't need to burden myself with illusions of things I've done wrong or losses I've incurred myself in the past. Most of that was wrong, anyhow (you know, illusions :)), and most of all I don't want to waste a moment of this life.

I will only be forty once.

Yesterday, I was walking along a side street to the organic food store. It was late. I'd left work at 7:35 p.m. But I was thinking that I had the same feeling that I had when I used to walk home from my very first professional job: pride and appreciation for having a good income coming in. I felt like I had a place in the world.

Last night the light was marvelous, as aforementioned. I was wearing comfy shoes and my favourite skirt with the dabs of lilac and grey and all was right with the world. I felt good being forty. I'll never be twenty again (that skin! that hair!), but I like who I am right now. I don't want to squander that the way that I squandered my youth feeling ugly and wrong and all things inappropriate.

So there you go. Back to my yogurt and high fibre cereal. I've switched from shredded wheat to a very high fibre cerreal. Time will see if this is an error.

I'm going to try to squeeze in a few more morning page moments.

Have fun! Be good!

8:10 a.m. - 2010-06-15

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