enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Morning meditation, Firenze, May 14

I woke up fairly early this morning as a Chinese family (women) in my room were smoking the most foul smelling cigarettes. Meh - didn't much bother me. I'm not much bothered by things, unless they involve going to Paris, it seems.

Speaking of Paris, my friend from Paris emailed me yesterday. I think she was very disappointed that I wasn't in Paris for my birthday. I hadn't emailed her yet because I didn't think she was waiting for me. I had told her at least a couple of weeks ago that I would have to wait and see how I feel at the end of it all, but that I doubted that I would make it to Paris on such a short trip.

All that said...you're going to think I'm mad...but I think my trip in the fall is going to begin in Paris and maybe even end in Paris, or perhaps again in Firenze. I have the idea that I will fly to Paris over Thanksgiving and spend maybe five days there, and then take the train to Italy for a few days. That could work, non? Somehow I think that Paris in the autumn will be easier on me, and of course I'll have the whole summer to work harder on my French. I think it could work. Perhaps I'll be able to convince Andrea to join me there. :) Or maybe not.

Speaking of Andrea, I must say that he's stimulated many interesting thoughts in me. The last time I was here he told me that he wanted to get married and have a family. Yesterday he said the curious thing that sounds more like something I would say: "Many people I know are married and they seem less happy. Maybe it is better to be alone and happy than married and unhappy."

Is there a disease going around?

Yesterday, during my self-birthday-lunch at a lovely little trattoria, I was thinking exactly the same thing. Anna had said the same thing as Andrea to me.

(Aside: Am REALLY missing Anna's fabulous coffee at the moment. I know - a shame to say that in Italy and I'm SURE I can find some nice coffee today...but the espresso servings are so TINY.)

Continuing on...

What I was thinking at the trattoria is that there is an entire generation - people between the ages of 35 and 55, say - who are kind of stuck in the shift between paradigms. I meet younger people - a young girl at the hostel the other night, for example: perky, cute, blonde, in graduate school, paired up with a cute and equally highly educated boyfriend - who seem as though they might have a chance at real marriages in which two equally-educated partners work together and share the whole business of raising families. You have the older generation, like my mother, who was born at the very end of the second world war, and raised with parental role models who were nothing if not retrograde, who have spent their lives caring for men who never buy a present for anyone, never clean a toilet, can't do laundry, and can barely boil water (my step-father retired two years before my mother, and my mother literally prepared paint-by-numbers food for him so that he could "prepare" dinner by sticking it in the microwave or cutting up a few bits and putting some foil on it and sticking it in the oven...utterly egregious). So evidently my mother didn't know how to raise me to be both educated and independent AND a spouse to someone, and I find most men of my generation or older to be boring, chauvinistic, generally useless bastards.

I mean, that's a bit strong. And of course there are exceptions (Fifi apparently found one!) But it's interesting. And you know about the horrible experiences I have had with online dating. In London, in my room in the hostel, there was Donna from the US, Sabila from Germany, and Andrea from New Zealand. Donna was much older (67) and quirky (the religion thing), but incredibly sweet and kind and hilarious. She had never been married, though she had borne a daughter out of wedlock (motivating the religion thing, but whatever). Sabila was a gorgeous mid-30s woman who teaches computer science and is arranging all sorts of collaborative international projects (with Turkey, with the UK, with France). She rolled her eyes when Donna asked her about marriage: "Men are horrible. There is no one to date. I have tried online dating and I wanted to kill myself."

Bingo!

Andrea was a bit more sanguine, but when asked if she finds anyone interesting to date she smiled broadly and said, "NOOOOO!"

She's a mid-30s, lovely, kindly caregiver to the elderly who has a smile that lights up her face.

So we were all sitting there eating dinner and drinking a pint and wondering about why it is that our generation is in such a mess. Each of them said something to the effect of "It seems all the men there are to date are older men who are coming out of failed marriages and who have lots of baggage, don't know how to respect a woman, etc."

Seriously, it's not just me! Yippee! And Boo!! It's a disease of the Western world. I remember Joan talking about the "man drought" in Australia.

So maybe it's all cool for the younger generation, but I think in years to come we'll be talking about a massive group of men and women who couldn't figure out how to navigate some of residue of the feminist movement, or whatever. Maybe this generation will be better off for having explored the world independently. Still, it's kind of sad. All I would hope for in Ottawa would be the kind of man Andrea seems to be: intellectual, thoughtful, gentle and respectful. I offer the same thing and more to a man if he is willing to notice it, but it seems that there are few who are. I don't get it. I really don't get it.

So...Anna puts me to shame with her lovely usage of the little sketchbook I gave her. I must pull out mine today. I bought a slightly bigger one to bring here and even a little carry bag to put it in. It will a real shame if I don't use it.

What I need to do today is think out where I'm going to go on my trip in the next week. I am thinking of a day trip to Bologna, which is apparently very close by, a day trip to Lucca and the Cinque Terre, etc. But I also need to think about whether I will go down south for a couple of days. That could be nice. I feel as though I am ready for an adventure. Maybe I will plan some things starting on Monday.

You guys are great. I hope you are all well.

Oh - do you want to hear something funny? Andrea has lived in Florence now for four years, although when he was young his parents sent him here from Sicily to go to a classical college for a couple of years (to study Italian, Greek, Latin, physics, etc.). One of his sisters is an antiquarian and lives here in Firenze. The other is an archivist and lives in Roma. OOps - that's not the funny part. The funny part is that when I asked him if he has many friends in Florence he said, "No, not so many. I shouldn't say this but I find the people in Florence to be a bit boring. They are closed."

Anyhow. Destiny. It's whatever you make of it.

PS I think I'm going to buy a ticket to a full production of La Boheme. PPS Do you know, that lovely guy called Richard from Minnesota whom I met on the bike tour here last year even remembered my birthday and wrote to me. Amazing. I don't get it. Men from everywhere but Canada are nice to me.

10:03 a.m. - 2010-05-14

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