enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Astounding!

Oh fugeddy fug fug.

Today was one of those days. I should actually blame it on fatigue. I had trouble sleeping last night, I think in part because I started getting anxious about my trip. So many things left to do!

Actually, it's true: I have a lot to do and report on before I leave.

One thing that is very, very difficult for me about my workplace is that people are not socially very "together," shall we say. I always blame it on me, but really, IT IS NOT ME.

For example, I saw my big boss today. Nary a smile. Nary a hello. It's really embarrassing when someone ignores you in public. And it makes you feel bad. I know he saw me. He just goes into these phases in which he doesn't acknowledge me. I don't know why. I also know that I haven't done anything. He used to do this all the time and then I got my promotion and my award so I know it isn't anything I've done wrong. Also, I'm about to deliver a really well-completed project that represents the best completed project of its type that has done for this um, you know, nation.

But I can't help but say - and feel - terrible to work in a place like that. Where people ignore you, that is.

So I mentioned this to Roger. We were talking about other things, actually. But I mentioned that sometimes at work I feel almost invisible. To this he replied, "I've talked with X and X (his bosses) about this in the past. I've worked for months on a file with someone and then once the file is done and you get in the elevator with them it's as if they don't know you. This place can be bruising."

That made me feel better. Well, not that someone else experiences it, but that it isn't just me. I said to him that I feel there is no place for my natural exuberance there and he understood.

Anyhow. That's an aside. It's all to say that sometimes...I fucking want to be in a smiley happy place during the day. I have to say that I think I've done amazingly awesomely well to deal with all of this...stuff...for so long.

Well, I have some work to do tonight. Just some readings, for a discussion I need to have with my boss before I go (my immediate boss, that is - the boy wonder). But first, I am going to go to the supermarket to buy some yogurt. I will bake some banana bread with those bananas that have gone off.

Hope you had a good day. Hugs! Does no one like my tulipani??? :)

PS I had some very cool thoughts this weekend. First, maybe I will take a year off and not only study art in Italy but travel the world! Whee! Second, maybe when I get back from this trip I will start seriously thinking about applying for other jobs. Maybe indeed I could be a diplofat.

8:00 p.m. - 2010-05-03

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