enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Bits and pieces of me

I'm writing another entry - back now from a run - simply because I've been having so many bad thoughts that I want to record this.

I don't know what is going on with my head this weekend. I feel OK - positive, ready to do some drawing this aft - but I keep on having bad thoughts. It's as though my mind wants to dredge up every bad thing I've ever done, put fear in me, etc. I don't get it. I don't know why I can't just rest. ARGH. It's bothersome. Maybe it's that "scanning the environment for negative information" thing that Anna has spoken of before? At any rate, I don't like it. I don't want to worry about anything. Worry when the police car/ambulance/fire truck pulls in the driveway, as my step-father says. And he would be correct.

SO the long run was funny. C. started out way too fast. We had an argument about it, because I didn't want to run that fast myself. But he insisted and swore up and down that the book he is reading told him that he should run that fast on his long runs. I thought it was bullshit and indeed at the end of the run I had to wait for C as he was hobbling. I never understand why NO ONE ever listens to my running advice. I don't even offer it - they ask - but then when they hear it they don't heed it. I don't know much, but I do know about running training.

All that said, I'm afraid that the time is coming for me to have surgery on my left foot. It has been a problem for a long time, and doctors and physios told me it would eventually catch up with me. I'm afraid that time has come. I can tell that it's causing problems with my right hip and hip rotators, etc. Too bad. C. finally convinced me to go to a sport medicine clinic about it. I suppose on the upside, if I have that foot corrected I might end up being able to run fast again in future. :)

Gah...no! I want to invest myself in more interesting things that sport. Sport is just for maintenance fitness/heart health.

I hope you are well. I'm going to try to cheer myself up by thinking some positive thoughts. I don't know why the latter part of this week has been so dark. I've had terrible dreams and have been worrying about just about everything. I feel as though the world is going to come to an end for me. I can only surmise that this is the reflex from childhood that whenever things were going well they had to turn bad quickly. Not sure, but I can only guess. When will this end??? I'm working on it. :) OK...will throw myself into positive activities, cook some good food, etc.

XO

1:42 p.m. - 2010-04-25

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