enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's all OK.

Thanks, guys.

I'm a tough cookie. I keep on rolling along. Today I'm not feeling great, but I do feel much more optimistic. I can always tell how a day will go by the way that I feel when I lift my head off the pillow in the morning. Perhaps it was seeing Raphael's life in contrast to mine that made me realize that I need to keep on trudging on.

He's a bit inscrutable, that one. And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure that everything he has told me is true. And the saddest part is that he told me yesterday that his mother is a paranoid schitzophrenic. His dad died a while ago. It's very sad. I can't imagine dealing with something like that. She is apparently in a home, but they often have problems with her and obviously he tries to help her.

It sounds terrible that I won't date such a person. I want something more fun and lively. I did say when I met him the first time that the liveliness is missing. Fortunately, he is in group therapy at the moment and he is therefore getting help. I will definitely be friends with him, if he wants to be friends, but at this time I don't think I can deal with all of those problems.

So! I do wonder about the dating profile. I ought to change it, no? I'm attracting artists, but artists with very complicated lives. Not all artists have complicated lives. This I know. Maybe C. is right and I need to start considering settling for someone more "average" and even less intelligent than I would like. I should probably dumb down my profile, post haste.

As for the handsome guy who knew about Florence, he doesn't seem very interested, anyhow. He's exhibiting the usual behaviour of cute guys online. He wrote to me and then responded only a couple of days later, and then the same thing with the second reply. My guess is that he's pursuing a bunch of women at the same time.

At this point, I'm guessing that I should leave the dating profile up, but pretty much date sparingly. I think I might be caught in the unconscious trap at the moment of wanting to find a "solution" that I don't even need. If that makes sense. My life is great as a single. Why do I need to mess that up?

I suppose in part it's because I see C. having someone to be with in the evenings, and I certainly wish that at some point I could have companionship again. That seems such a distant and unlikely thing; I've almost given up. But then I think back to how sunny and happy and wonderful it was to be with Andrea for those few days, and I realize that it is possible. It's just difficult to find. So much of it is up to chance. I have been invited to a party at the home of that great woman I had dinner with last week, so occasions like that might open up my circle of opportunity a little bit. :) Maybe I should open up dating to men with children and even older men (I've restricted those on my profile). I sure do know how to attract pretty much the opposite of what I need in a boyfriend. :)

Ah well. I'm OK. I'm cooking up some solutions and after tonight I'm going to take a couple of days to be by myself and sort of re-balance/re-centre. I feel OK, and ultimately I know that I have the power within me to keep going and with hope. Tonight: free personal conditioning session at the gym. TOday: Frenchies.

XOXO OH and PS: We went to see Ant!christ, of all films. It was much better than I expected, and as a film it is quite a good film (and an exploration of feminism - fell apart, but I got it) but still, I do not need to see a self-clitorectomy. Thank you very much.

8:06 a.m. - 2010-02-10

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