enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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High productivity and slow on the cognitive progress.

Feeling a little wistful at the end of the day, to be honest.

It has been a bad week, all around. I had forgotten that when you've been wound up it's much easier to get wound up again. I got my panties in a twist today I suppose about fixing my dating profile and more accurately sort of "solving" that problem (i.e. am I going to bother to go out with anyone or just forget about it?). I got an invitation for a dinner tonight and I turned it down. And then I felt guilty for not just going with it.

And then a friend - a very kind friend who wants to help - told me I'm sort of a sports car - great features but high maintenance. I feel as though he sort of put the writing on the wall for me in terms of being alone for the rest of my life.

And why get upset about that? I'm not even sure that I WANT to find anyone, which is a big part of the problem. You either do or you don't.

So here's the rub: I started thinking about Marco. I was walking up the stairs from the laundry for the third time (total pain in the ass, and my legs were tired) and he just popped into my head. Differently than lately. I felt the tears well up. I miss him. The big welling of emotion occurred because I suppose on some level I feel rejected by him for who I am (and this came before the comment from my friend). This is stupid. I'm sure it has something to do with me, but at least as much to do with circumstances. So forget about it! It's the story of my fucking life though and I am sure it goes back to my dad and my grandparents. Fuck! I do think I'm getting better. There has been so much work done. It just feels sometimes as though it's an endless staircase to climb.

I also didn't get that much done today. I wish I'd gone out somewhere.

But then again, if I were to read that someone else had done what I did - napped, ran 10k, did the laundry, did some cooking, did some cleaning, and finished all but the setting-in of the sleeves on the lilac sweater that I've been knitting over the last couple of months - I'd be telling them it's great (and meaning that). Whenever I think thoughts like this, these days I fortunately start asking myself WHY SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE EVERY DAY.

More cognitive restructuring required here, clearly. :)

Actually, it occurred to me after I felt hurt over the "high maintenance" and accompanying statements that this is a prime opportunity. I could feel that what I was doing with that input was immediately putting it in my bank of negative self-beliefs, "See - you require too much nurturance. You're too difficult. Therefore, it is justifiable that you should be alone, in spite of your attractive qualities." And putting that in my bank of beliefs isn't going to help one bit. Because I know what I'll think every day from now on as a result of that: I deserve to be alone and that is how it always should be.

That's how my brain works.

But at least I know that.

This all sounds very doom and gloom, but there are many bright glimmers. I've found that lately I'm pretty present-focused. I found lots of pleasure in the things that I did today as I was doing them.

So. On that fine note, and with clean sheets on my lovely bed...I am going to go to sleep and enjoy the ridiculous comfort of that environment.

Oh! I think I am going to buy paint and paint my place next weekend. I'll have to make a quick decision on colour, but really who cares? It's not that big of a deal. Paint is paint. I can re-paint. Tomorrow I'm drawing, dammit. I will enjoy the day. And I will leave the house to do something other than run. Maybe I'll even buy the flowers.

12:43 a.m. - 2010-01-17

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