enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I need to get a thicker skin.

Thanks Anna for your suggestion. Not bossy at all. I will do it. I do feel it, believe it or not, most of the time, but my confidence is a bit shaky at times.

The last week has been a bit tricky, and this dating thing has made me a bit shaky. I'm just not good at it and it is a bit disconcerting. I get these emails from extremely persistent older men (I guess they see blood/weakness and are trying to pursuade me). Yesterday it was an "executive" who wanted to wine and dine me last night. Today, he emailed again.

This morning it was a 50+ diplomat who actually wrote IN HIS PROFILE that he is into making love to women for 3 hours until they pass out. Eew! And get this: he has a photo of his pic in the diplomatic passport up online. I mean, I seriously want to report him for some sort of violation of his clearance. I'm sure it's a canceled passport but...scary.

I think I've mentioned this before, but diplomats are a bit scary. I've known some wonderful ones, but the vast majority are egomaniacs. I mean, they're the kinds of people who are CEOs and neve see their kids.

The thing with diplomats I find is that they can be like the politicians in the US who have affairs with call girls. They're risk takers. There's something in them that makes them think that they won't be caught, or that they're above the "rules." I must have told you about the boss of mine who sent me an email saying, "You have a great body and I'll bet you have endurance when it counts."

Um, buddy, you sent me that in an EMAIL. IDIOT!

So...phew. I feel a little bit better this morning. I realized that I can choose to believe what I want to believe about myself.

Right now I'm going to think of myself first and forget about the dating. I have a few coffee dates set up, but clearly I find this a bit unsettling so I'm going to quit. I'm going to focus on my Italian and my drawing this winter. Today I am going to cook, eat and draw, dammit.

I think what is more important is thinking through the "adding meaning to my life" bit. I was lying in bed this morning listening to Haiti documentaries on the radio. I was thinking about how life has to be more than what I'm doing. I simply must figure out a way to do one or both of two things: 1) work in a way/field that does more of service to others; or 2) do something seriously artistic. I want to be a more authentic version of myself. I still feel a bit trapped. I'm getting impatient to find a way out.

So, those were the quick thoughts. I'm not going to write more but rather will start to do stuff today. It will all work out in the end. That much is true. I have a firm belief that when you don't know what to do you should walk away. I think Anna has told me this before. The subconscious will do a better job than will my conscious brain recruited under duress to solve the problem. XO

10:36 a.m. - 2010-01-17

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