enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Travail

OK. This is probably going to be a rushed entry. I need to get to work early, to continue with the work from hell that is all on my lap this week (two people's work).

So...thank goodness the headache is better. I sat on the couch knitting last night. Initially I thought I had taken an advil, but I had put the pill on my computer desk adn there was already a vitamin D pill sitting there and I had taken that. Doh! Why is my headache still around?

So eventually I took the one advil, and fortunately in spite of NOT continued medication my head still feels better this morning than it did when I woke up yesterday morning.

Well, that's not interesting. That is all to say that I am feeling a bit better, which you can guess by the number of words I've already typed into the little box.

I want to be doing collages like Anna, by the way!

Well, done. I love the heart collage. It's beautiful.

As for me, I am pretty happy with the sweater. I worked on the button and buttonhole bands last night. A reason not to knit cardigans, really. I hate that part. I'm happy with everything but the collar, which is a tie collar that I sewed on partially last night. We will see what it looks like when it is done. The sleeves go on tonight and then the threads get sewn in. I think on the whole it is not what I expected but it's cute. That's what knitting's about. Sometimes you get a surprise. I think that next time I'll knit something fluffy and stripey and fun. Well, after the other projects get done.

So I listened to something fascinating on the radio last night. You'll think I'm nuts, but I've always felt that I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and not on the "not autistic" end.

Well, I'm not autistic.

But we have a great radio program here called, "Ideas," and there was a scientist on there last night who was talking about new theories of self-regulation. Kids who are autistic are an extreme of this, i.e. have difficulties with some level of self-regulation.

So a specific case on the program last night really struck me: a little girl who was labeled ADHD and a behavioural problem in her class.

First, I should note that I never had any problems in school. I always ran away from the other kids and stood at the edge of the playground, but in class I was perfectly focused and quiet. I was always favoured by the teachers.

But here's the thing. The scientist is making this claim a lot of what happens with kids who are anxious, for example, is that they have to expend more energy than do other kids to self-regulate. In the case of this particular girl, her teachers had labeled her a problem. When the scientist was in the classroom and the little girl was agitated, he asked her what was bothering her. She said that she couldn't hear him over the noise of the "fan."

The scientist looked up and there was a ceiling vent. It was making noise, although not a noise that he had even observed beforehand. And sure enough, when they turned off the fan the girl calmed right down.

This sounds like a weird story, but I completely understand this. Perhaps it's a function of being habitually anxious in the recent past, but as far as I recall I have always been like this. Hyper-sensitive, that is. I like to stay away from other people often because I can't take large doses of them. Sounds bother me. I enjoy music, but after a point I can feel an extreme need to turn it off.

There are other quirky things about me that are like this. It drives me nuts when I go to yoga class and see that people have left their shoes outside the classroom on the third floor. There are two signs on the wall outside the door that say, "Leave shoes in the changeroom on the second floor." I always leave my shoes on the second floor. Every time I go to the class and see that people have left their shoes in front of the third floor door something inside of me gets agitated.

Weird, no?? C. often laughs at the things I tell him about that get me agitated. He can't understand why I'm so fussy, so easily upset.

This is why I've always wondered if I'm operating on a frequency that simply isn't the same as the frequencies of many other people around me.

But the point is this: there's a continuum of people and sensitivities. Being able to regulate one's emotions is a critical factor in "success." I mean, whatever "success" is.

I've reached a point at which I'm starting to be truly happy to be me. I'm more accepting of my anxieties and emotions. I'm able to hide my emotions from others (which I couldn't do when I was much younger). I find this very interesting. You know me - self-analysis all the way.

I ought to go to work. I'm rather sad that I missed the drawing class last night. I'll be there next week.

Wish me luck with the day from hell today. I have a meeting already scheduled for 6 P.M. tonight, if you can believe it. I'll get home eventually.

XO

8:42 a.m. - 2009-10-07

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