enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Let there be SOMEONE interesting to talk to in the neighbourhood.

Well I can't say that I had a fabulous day. But I'm trying to turn off the thinking about it. This too will pass. Of course!

I had bad stomach cramps this morning and now I have a headache again. Perhaps I can chalk feeling low up to being ill.

I did try to do something productive today though: I registered for a drawing class starting next Tuesday. It's just a beginner class at the community centre. I don't care that I'm not a beginner. I'm sure I'll learn something and the community centre is just down the street. It was cheap and so if I don't like it, no big deal; next time I can register at the art school that's more upscale. Anyhow. I'm intrigued. And if I meet some interesting people in the neighbourhood all the better.

I was sitting in my big boss's office today and listening to a bunch of people drone on and I was thinking, "Gee, is this all worthwhile?"

It's tricky, isn't it? I know on one level that I have a great job that I've worked hard for and that I need to make money. On another level I keep on thinking about taking off to Europe, volunteering with Volunt@ry Services Overs3as, going back to school to take that Ph.D. in history and becoming a historian/professor. So many ideas! I'm so cautious about these ideas because I've been down this idealistic road before. Having financial security - hard won - is something that I know enough to value. I'm just not sure how many more major risks I'm willing to take. It's one thing if you're starting from nothing; it's another if you've gone through the process of lengthy study and so on before...

Plus I don't dislike my job. It's interesting and important to society. It's not that I absolutely must get out or never be happy again. Not at all. In fact, what I fear at the moment is that my emotions will cause me to do something rash and fuck it up. More than anything, I ought to be grateful for what amazing good fortune I have in life at the moment. I need to stop and appreciate.

I think what gets to me is simply that I'm the only one around who is not married with kids. I see kid after kid after kid in photos and so on in my office. Everyone has a baby!

It's not that I want a baby, but it's difficult not to feel isolated when you're so different than everyone else. I DO live in a middle-class, family town. I do not live in a boho place. I do not live in a place with lots of interesting singles. I live in a place where people in established relationships put themselves out to graze on the fruits of a secure, middle-class income and a graduate education. It is all hockey practises and children's books! It is not a place of risk-taking or adventure. It is St3pford!

Just joking. Really, I am not criticizing these people. They got it right. They chose the lives that they wanted and they're now living them out.

I just wonder if I'm not doing something that I ought to be doing to get a life that makes me feel more...alive.

Anyhow. It's not that I'm feeling that badly. Not really. I ate some salmon for dinner and have half a sleeve done on my sweater. I'm going to try to finish that up this week. Thursday I'm planning to go to a Karsh lecture with the portrait gallery and I think I have plans for the weekend but I can't remember them. Things tick along. I cope. I grow. I learn patience.

Tomorrow's another day. I will get up and tackle it with full gusto. ;)

This evening when I came home from work I put my hand on Roland's door for a second. I sometimes do that. I miss having him to talk with over an aperitivo - my very own bohemian Parisian now nearly a year gone.

PS There was just a piece on the NEWS radio show about all of the people in England who go to emergency rooms with injuries related to eating biscuits! Hilarious! Oh and apparently some town in Wales is in an uproar over the menu of some place or other having "spotted dick" on it. (That's a real dessert, by the way.) Apparently they've changed the name to "spotted Richard." Those crazy Brits. Can you tell that we still function for all intents and purposes as a colony? ;)

You know, what just popped into my head is the old line: "When the going gets tough the tough get going." Just as when the running gets difficult you simply must pick it up and run faster, now's the time to keep on kicking harder and lifting higher. I can do it. And at least I haven't been admitted to emerg with a biscuit injury. I know there are more embarrassing things that can happen to oneself but really...a biscuit injury? XO

9:13 p.m. - 2009-09-08

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