enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And there you are. Always there you are.

You'll have to excuse me, Miss Working-on-Positive that I am, for I'm having a moment of teariness.

Today, I finally decided to take things into my own hands and email that woman about the man she introduced me to a couple of months ago and whom I'd found interesting (I'd thought it was mutual).

Well, he met someone. I don't know of the timing and who really cares, but still I was sad.

Of course, I should not have been surprised. I had thought that he had liked me and that possibly I'd intimidated him, but I did think that it was a pretty big signal that he wasn't interested that he didn't get my email from her.

Oh well! I should forget it. It just smarted a little. Usually I'm pretty good at getting a sense of things, and I'd really felt that that guy and I had had a great connection - and we had an awful lot in common, in terms of priorities and personality - when we had met.

I don't know. I think it's not going to bother me in a day or two, and at least I FINALLY did something about it. It did kind of smart though when she said, "He met someone wonderful." Hey, I think I'm wonderful! Why doesn't anyone else? :)

I think I was just a bit upset this morning because of what my friend did about the apartment in Paris.

I don't know if I had explained it fully, but she had emailed me about coming to Paris and then a COUPLE OF DAYS LATER (after I'd committed to going) mentioned that she had an ulterior motive in terms of testing the waters with a Parisian guy she had met at a conference.

So when she rearranged her travel dates to accomodate the fact that he is going to be out of the country for the first two weeks of December, and when she emailed me this morning with an apartment twice the price of the ones offered on the service that my colleagues recommended to me - and one with a separate bedroom and a pull-out couch in the living room - I had visions of me sleeping on the couch whilst they were romancing each other. I mean, not my idea of a great Christmas. I felt like she had asked me along just to subsidize her trip (she's not in a highly-paid job).

Last Christmas/New Year's I was in Italy, with Marco not calling and my married friends smooching all over Florence, Venice and Rome. They were kind and I did have fun and learn some things, but I don't really want to press repeat on that.

Don't worry - I'm not depressed. I'm not self-flagellating. In fact, I'm proud of myself for gradually learning to express exactly what I want. (I emailed her today about the apartment, and now she doesn't want to share. But I'm not going to get upset about it. I thought I was nice about it, but I told her that if she had a me-on-the-couch arrangement and them in the bedroom in mind I wasn't into it.)

Oh sigh. I don't know.

Oh and also I know that when one door closes another door opens. My grandmother always told me that. And when I was crying as I crossed an abandoned parking lot on my way home from work tonight I was crying not for any man but for the people I've lost whom I've loved - like my grandmother. I could use a hug from her right now. It has been so long.

Hope you had a good day. I'm going to post my drawing from last night later. It's not good. But I did it. :)

I heard something last night on the radio that was very helpful - about a movie, actually, but still good. The idea was that your life is defensible to the degree that you live fearlessly. XO

Update: My friend and I have been emailing back and forth furiously and we've resolved satisfactorily the apartment thing. Phew! She was nice about it.

This is where I sat with my carrot juice for lunch today:

7:14 p.m. - 2009-08-24

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