enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just before our day got lost you said.

You guys crack me up!

Yeah, I liked this diary when I started it, because it was a way for me to explore issues deeply (as Anna said). I have a couple of paper diaries but I find it really difficult to write in them - my hand gets tired, I don't want to ruin the pages. Here, I can be completely free.

But over time I must admit that I've become quite annoyed by the way that I get a few people who only ever comment to advise me on my love life, or suggest that I need to do this or that in my life. It's very annoying. If I want that kind of advice, I have resources in my life for seeking that kind of advice. Although it may sometimes be kindly meant, I do wonder if some people here are here and do this because they don't have control over their own lives, and they feel a need therefore to tell others what to do! And it's no surprised that these are usually women slightly older than I am!

I think what annoys me the most is that because I'm open I tend to end up as the "weaker younger sister" in these arrangements. I've even had women email me personally to tell me what to do about Marco, and also to advise me not to hang around with C. (my best friend in the world).

As I said, perhaps kindly meant, but not welcome! I've tried to be polite in most instances, but I don't want people praying for me. I don't want people telling me not to travel but rather to embrace the "now" here. I don't want people telling me not to hang out with my best friend. What I want, and why I write here, is to figure out things for myself. No one else knows what is right for me but myself! It is, furthermore, not possible to write all of the details of everything and everyone in my life here, and I have tended to write the very negative thoughts here, so you're getting a skewed impression.

Some people give advice very well, in the sense of it not really being advice but shared wisdom. For example, Fifi and Anna and (although there have been others (thanks!)). Always when they give me advice it is more of a sharing of their own experience, a suggestion of a book that they've read and found insightful, etc., etc. It's not something that feels like an attempt to gain some feeling of superiority at my expense. Maybe some people just have the knack and others are more awkward, but sometimes it gets exhausting.

I want to be able to explore my own ideas without judgment, and to be trusted to make good decisions with respect to my own life. I have always made good decisions with respect to my own life, really, when I look over the whole swath of my life. I mean, sure I've made huge mistakes. But I've always sought help when I needed it. I've always apologized or tried to fix things that have gone wrong. I finished my education, paying for it all by myself. I've stayed on good terms with every one of my ex-boyfriends. I have no ex-friends out there hating me, as long as you don't count the flirty woman at work (though you could hardly call her a friend). I've always taken and left every job on good terms and honestly and fairly. I've taken a lot of responsibility in my life, and I've managed it. It hasn't always been happy for me, but I'm at a point of working exclusively on the happiness-inside-of-me-making, and I'm doing a good job of it (so far). I believe that it can only get better.

I've seen two counsellors in the past two years and they've both helped with some specific issues that were lingering. Lately, I've been really pleased by how I've FELT when talking with my mother. I think I "get" her in a way that I never have before. I don't get hurt by her. I've also found a great deal of peace with my father's memory, which was a big gap in the whole equation. A great deal of the rest of it is up to me. Most of all, what is up to me is to recognize that no one is perfect. A friend recently told me that I'm "perilously close to perfect" and I understood what he meant. My big project is to undo that, bit by bit. I've been working on that with yoga, embracing pleasures, turning off the rumination, making new friends, investigating new volunteer work, not taking my job too seriously (and miraculously doing even better at it and enjoying it more. Imagine that!)

ANyhow, on to my new project!!

What I was thinking last night, however, is that what I'd like to do is grow through a massive project. I mean, I had in mind something like reading through all of Proust in French - which would dovetail rather nicely with my trip to Paris in December - and doing a drawing a day that perhaps relates in some way to the reading, or at least explores my feelings in relation to the readings.

I actually drew again last night. I'm dating my drawings, so I can catch myself out when I miss a day.

Also, of course, there's no way that I'm going to stop talking about myself and my feelings. :) It's just what I do. But I would love it if others out there would respect fully that I am a woman who is at the helm of her own ship!

Soo...I should dry my hair or I'm going to look funny.

My friend with whom I'll be in Paris is starting to tick me off. She wants to share an expensive apartment, and I'm worried that she's going to invite her beau over. I can't think of a worse way to spend Christmas - me on the sofa bed and my friend with her beau in the bedroom as I spend too much money on shared accommodation. I'm going to have to tell her to piss off. :)

Well, not completely. I seem to be becoming rather good at telling people to piss off. Sometimes, honestly, it's absolutely necessary! :)

8:18 a.m. - 2009-08-24

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