enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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How could you do nothing?

So I was thinking today of shutting down this diary. It simply doesn't in any way relate to who I am now.

I would miss Fifi and Anna in particular if I were to leave, so I suppose I could continue to write here but write ABOUT something other than myself.

I simply don't want to write about anxiety anymore. I'm sure that I'll need to manage it for the rest of my life - as well as manage my personality, which is sensitive.

But on the other hand, I get stronger and stronger and my life has taken many turns I never would have expected, so maybe it's silly to assert that anything at all is fixed.

I must admit that I was affected by the movie Julie and Julia last night. It reminded me of my running goals. Goals - daunting goals - make you stronger, bigger than you are.

When I decided in 1997 that I could win a marathon, it set me on a course that changed me. It made me better. It made me better because I committed to something and I gave it everything I had, irrespective of likely and inevitable failure along the line (even though I did win the first marathon).

When I was watching Julie and Julia I was thinking of exactly this idea - that we become better when we push ourselves. I'm so down on perfectionism these days - because of all of this be kind to yourself hooey that is in vogue (Well, I don't mean exactly that - being kind to yourself is important. I do think though that we live in way too much of a let's medicate-self-help culture. Life is difficult. We have no choice but to adapt, cope. I think I've believed that since childhood, but have resisted it.) - but in all truth the pursuit of excellence is something different. It dawned on me today - last night - that pursuing something to its limit, to the limit of your abilities, to exhuastion...is expansive. It doesn't blow up the ego. It does, however, expand you with the knowledge that you are capable of much more than you normally dare to dream, as you shuttle yourself between bed and work, supermarket and car park.

I'm thinking that I need to set an ambitious goal, and write a blog about it.

This is not because I want to be published. I don't. It would be a personal exercise only, for my own development and to improve my writing. I'm always at my best when I'm writing to someone in particular, or about something in particular.

I don't know what the goal is yet. I had an idea today that started taking shape. Now I need to create the blog, probably at wordpress or in some other place.

Could be interesting.

And most of all, it could be expansive.

I could tie all of this in to my trip to Paris over Christmas.

Just a thought. The thoughts are brewing.

Right now, however, my courgette and pea lasagne is hot out of the oven and it is BEGGING me to eat it.

XO

9:35 p.m. - 2009-08-23

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