enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Really peacefully great.

You know, I'm finally really on the right track.

There were a lot of bumps in the road today, but still I felt centred and good about myself and my life.

I think it might be because I've started pushing back at people who try to use me to improve their own confidence, or who try to step on me. I didn't think that I was being too nice before, but really I was.

When I looked around today, I noticed all of the people whose actions I would normally take personally. I realized that people are snarky or whatever for their own reasons! I am always very respectful of other people and I try not to take my problems out on them to the degree possible. Also, I try never to play holier-than-thou and advise people from my "wise" position, although I could about some things as I have a proven track record. Instead, wherver possible, I limit myself to trying to comfort people if I can.

This made me feel good about myself, but it also made me realize that I need to draw the line with people the rest of the time. I think I've gradually been doing this, but it's now picking up steam. I almost think that this is the key to movign myself to the next stage in life; and in fact it almost surely is, because it's indicative of a rise in my belief that I deserve good things.

Really, this is monumental.

I remembered today that only I know what is right for me. Listening to other people has only ever made me unhappy. When I've followed my own inner voice I've experienced the most wonderful parts of my life. A good example is when I moved to Australia to pursue my running career, in spite of my mother's strong objections. Those first few months were the happiest I had ever experienced in my life. I don't regret them a bit. So lesson numero uno: Don't listen to other people. They invariably have their own agenda. Define your own agenda. I am so open that I've tended to share my self-criticisms, which has only made me a target of people wanting or needing to boost themselves at my expense. My favourite teacher told me this when I was 16; my goodness has it ever taken a long time to absorb this lesson. So never again!

Also, now that the dust has settled, I realize that I made the wrong decision about Foreign Affairs last week. I also understand why I made the decision that I did.

But I've decided to chalk it up to timing. It wasn't the right time. I can likely apply again, in a year or two. In the meantime I'll continue to grow and build in my life and will only be stronger on approach to a new one.

I did some more drawing last night - copying my favourite Raphael drawing - and that was wonderful. Very meditative.

Well, I'm off. I'm heading out for a run. It's still hot and muggy but it did rain earlier and that has cooled things slightly, at least temporarily.

My air con went in today though, so that is fabulous. Ah...air cooled sleep.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Juli3 and Julia with a girlfriend. I must admit that although I don't normally enjoy mainstream movies, M3ryl looks hilarious in this in the trailer.

Bon.

7:30 p.m. - 2009-08-18

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