enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Accepting risk.

I've decided to cancel the interview.

If I were ten years younger it would be easier, but I think it would be another instance of me chopping and changing my life to prove that I'm the greatest :). This simply isn't true and it doesn't serve me in any way.

I've spent my whole life trying to prove my worth to others, and that's completely wrong. That's why the warning bells are going off.

If I did get the job - and I'm pretty confident that I would have a very good shot - I'd have to take a pay cut, and it would take a few years of slogging it out in crappy positions before I'd have a chance of getting a good posting. Even then, it's a very political place and I might never get a posting.

So I think I've made my peace with it and I'm going to send off the cancellation.

I think this might be me committing to growing up and giving living in this place and being at peace with my limitations - the limitations of everyone's lives - for a change.

I hope so.

In the last hour or so I've been sitting here thinking about what my heart wants.

As much as I want to help other people in other parts of the world and work on important files and everything, if I'm truthful what I want more is to explore my own creativity. I want to be more deeply involved in all kinds of arts. And I want a home - the home I've never really had.

I'm risking here that I'm not going to get that, in any event, and that I'm going to be alone and disappointed in this small city.

But everything has a risk attached, doesn't it?

And I'll be able to afford to travel. I'll probably even have a chance at some point, if I keep my head down, to take a posting abroad as an economist with an international bank or institution. Just one posting, maybe three or four years.

But there you go.

Maybe I'm choosing fear. Maybe I'm not. I don't know yet.

XO

5:32 p.m. - 2009-08-13

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