enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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raspberries

You know, I've had a surprisingly pleasant, pleasant weekend.

Friday night started out quite badly. I was already in a mood, and C. was in an even worse mood. C. had invited me to a movie about the Iraq War, which would never be my first choice but wasn't bad.

But because C. was in a bad mood, he wouldn't talk with me on the way to the movie. Also, when we got to the movie he wouldn't sit with me because he wanted to sit in the middle and there were huge guys sitting in front of us and I couldn't see, so I had to move to the side. I was pretty pissed off and, more accurately, dejected. But I stopped my thoughts and centred myself and stayed with the movie.

I wrote about that the other day.

And then the period hormones - rotten things - started to abate, and Saturday was great. I went to yoga, had a long girls' brunch with Annie, and then came home to do some cleaning and organizing.

C. had also come along to yoga and we'd talked it out (I told him he'd been an asshole; he told me he's stressed about his parents' health) and we made up.

C. called me late in the day on Saturday and invited me over to make dinner and watch a movie, so I bought good ice cream and raspberries and we cooked a curry and talked politics and other stuff and enjoyed Milk. A very nice evening.

Then yesterday I got up and started on my path of cleaning up things in my life bit by bit (I got rid of stuff from the bottom kitchen cupboards, got rid of one box of papers). I figure that moving in the fall, whenever and to wherever that happens, will be much easier if everything is further streamlined. I had already called Cystic Fibros!s a week ago about coming to pick up some clothes and linens that I'm going to give away.

I also have a new rule: nothing new comes in. I mean, if something new comes in, two things have to go. It feels nice to pare things away, although I'll always be someone with things that I love around me - my great grandmother's tea cups, my posters from various art exhibits I've been to around the world, my English pastoral egg cup, my antique platter with springs of forget-me-knots, the sign taken off the front of a rural library, and of course my wonderful books and my awesome bike.

But that's it.

The only fly in the ointment yesterday was that I had a headache all day. I thought it was sinus but it started to become apparent to me by evening that I was getting a migraine. I managed to make it through a lovely vegetarian meal out with "the girls" again. (Annie's friends.)

One of Annie's friends then was heading out with some other friends, so since it was on my way home I stopped at the pub with them. They were really interesting and nice people, and although probably not my scene in future, I had a good time. They were heading out to a club to dance. Not my speed. But I found them to be well-educated and interesting, and we had a fun conversation about music and the arts scene in Ottawa. I learned some things.

So I came home feeling a certain amount of peace, if incredible nausea related to the migraine. I took a tylenol and headed to bed and slept long. I feel relatively OK today, although a tad sketchy.

The sun is brightly shining though and here's the best part: C. had picked up a flat of raspberries for me at the market yesterday. Without ANY doubt, raspberries are my absolute favourite food of any kind. When I was a little girl, my gorgeous great-grandparents had a house in the country with rows of mature raspberry bushes. My great-grandpa and I would play croquet and then he'd sing songs about the Scottish fair to me (as one does when one is called Archibald MacDiarmid) and pop mints into my mouth when my great-grandma wasn't looking. And always, always, my great-grandma would give me raspberries to take home with me to the city.

I must admit that that's one thing that I think about with respect to having children late. At this point, I not only think that I'm too old to give children a proper home and the prospect of a healthy parent to help out into middle age, but I think it's sad that any kid I could have would not have access to my grandmother, for example (who died in 1993). But anyway. That's an aside. People make families of all types and many configurations can be beautiful.

To be honest, more and more I recognize that I have no desire to have a baby. It's a weird thing, really, because freeing myself in this way makes me feel more empathetic towards others. I feel as though I have more to give to others. I want other people and their families to be healthy and happy. Perhaps that's the introvert in me talking: I recognize the limits of my tolerance for company and am searching for a way to best express my humanity.

I think that nature is kind to us sometimes - guides us to where we ought to be, even when our minds sometimes send us different signals. I had a conversation about this wth a friend recently. It seems likely that as much as anything any biological clock that I ever had has wound down. And that's a kindness of nature. Because if I had had a child who was difficult or extremely extroverted, and a husband who left me...I think it would have killed me and all of my hope and energy to pursue the things I love and am capable of doing. I'm overly sensitive like that. Of course I've also known quite a few disappointed women, who if they could do it again probably wouldn't have had children. That's shaped my perspective. Mostly, I think it's important to know your own nature. Mine is to be more of a loner than anything, and children don't fit with that!

I also heard a really interesting commentary on the radio the other day. It was in response to an interview with George McGovern, who is trying to spread education of girls and thereby birth control to developing nations in Africa. Very nice and accomplished and worthy man. But still, a comment to this piece was very well-taken, I thought. It was that if the western world (western-centric) world wants to help the world, it is WESTERNERS who should be having fewer children and not westerners telling Africans to zip it. Every western child becomes a planet-destroying wrecking-ball of a consumer. I mean, most little babies in the west have more clothes than whole villages of children in Africa. (And let's not even discuss the fact that most grow up to be pretty apathetic and non-contributing citizens.) I would add as well that many of those African families need many children in order to survive, just as our families did several generations ago. Something to ponder. In any event, this is all to say that I feel no guilt over NOT imposing on the world a mini-me. :) This is not to slam western parents, but I hope that many of them start to teach their children how NOT to be what my gas-guzzling, big-housed baby-boom parents taught me. They were a product of their parents' depression-era experience, but they didn't create a healthy, sustainable world - emotionally, politically, educationally, economically, environmentally, or with a sense of responsibility for justice and relative equity. Bottom line: we're all self-interested actors.

Do you sometimes wish you could slip ahead to the future, for maybe a minute or two? In my case I'd love to slide ahead six years or so. If I had to guess, I'd guess that I wouldn't believe today what my life will look like at 45. I like that mystery. If I had to guess I'd guess that I'll be living in Europe as a diplomat, or at least somewhere exciting in the world and pursuing something creative more fully. For all of the sadness of the past few years, perhaps it was all about figuring out a way to feel free and to embrace the possibilities of that freedom. We're not raised to cherish freedom; we're raised to take on responsibility. I'd like to know both.

I hope you've had as lovely a weekend.

11:22 a.m. - 2009-08-03

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