enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Best put on some mascara. And ruffles, again!

You know, I woke up feeling pretty good.

It's quite warm today, although the skies are still overcast. I like this, as it gives the air the tone of perpetual dusk (my favourite type of light).

So I'm sitting here in my bra and underwear, thinking about ceral, thinking about coffee...and again grateful that I have the luxury of time before I go to work.

I'm quite busy at work right now, so I asked my boss if he would like me to come in earlier than my usual. He said no! He also said he'd like to convince me to leave earlier (i.e. on time). Yes, sir!

Actually, my department is big on "life balance," which I do very badly. I usually work at least one or two hours more than I need to, and I never take lunch and rarely take coffee. I always seem to think that everything must be done with extreme discipline, but I think I need to learn balance. Well and truly.

So the funny thing about getting old is that...I woke up feeling stiff and tired. It's like when I used to be training all of the time for the marathon, although thank goodness I don't feel that whacked. It's sort of a good feeling and it's sort of a bad feeling to be so physically wiped out. I perhaps cycled a bit too hard up the last massive hill. I was chasing a dude who had passed me (I never like that), with my heart beating out of my chest. It was quite good, actually, because although I didn't quite catch him, I had him on the run. He looked back at me about three or four times.

You know, it would be kind of not bad if in my 90th year or something, I died in the saddle of my bike, with my heart just giving out. I have always been able to push myself to a point at which I could not go further. I used to think that that was a good thing, but now I'm not so sure. On the other hand, to end one's life that way rather than in a lengthy illness or in pain...I'll take that. You know, to drop in the harness (as in the plow).

Well, that was a detour! I have a long life to live! And so do all of the people we know.

I'm not feeling so lonely this morning. I was saying to someone the other day something that I read once when I was running and that I always felt spoke to life in general: "When you can't run any faster, run faster."

When you feel you can't take a particular state of being or situation any longer, pick up the pace, I think. In other words, most barriers to happiness are simply created. I think as humans we need to erect barriers, just as they say that children need boundaries. Barriers make us feel safe.

So today's goal: Fly without a parachute. At least in my own mind.

Let's see...coffee....

8:51 a.m. - 2009-07-29

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