enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a lot of bluster. Calm, actually.

You guys will be surprised to hear this, but I have it all worked out in my head after tossing and turning last night.

I mean, I did toss and turn. But I also did work things out.

M. and I did a weird sort of a dance yesterday, pushing each other away. He made it clear that he still has feelings for me, but that the distance is the issue. Well, among other things.

I might also be cycling with him on the weekend, though he is not sure what cycling he will have available.

Thursday evening should be lovely; it felt like chatting to an old friend at our lunch yesterday, which was perfect - in a dim and relatively empty restorante in Siena - and I realized subsequently that a lot of what needed to get said there did get said. I clearly expressed that he had hurt me with his proposals that he didn't follow through on. He reflected a bit on those proposals. He pretends that he does not remember things, but it is clear that he does remember them. He has a plan when I'm here that involves us spending time together. But not too much time.

Funny, too: he even said that he could live in Canada! And then he started talking about how he has a free flight coming up and how long does it take to fly to Ottawa from Frankfurt?

Anyhow. I realized when I was lying in bed that the glorious, delightful thing that is this bird of paradise that makes me smile so much, is kind of analagous to parts of me that I've denied.

When I "fell" for Shaun, it was because I wanted to "be" him. I wanted to be focused and successful and to run in the Olympics.

With M. it is different, because I feel a great deal of tenderness, empathy and understanding with him.

But on the other hand, it is kind of the same thing. M. understands what I'm talking about. He understands that my life in my job in Ottawa are crushing something inside of me. I keep on rationalizing them and I am grateful for them, but in truth I am more of a free spirit, like he is. Much of what he is is what I want to embrace in myself. There's a real narcissism to my feelings.

Anyhow. No need to belabour this. I wish I knew what the next step will be. I think I'll send him a quick note telling him that I had a lovely time yesterday and that I had missed him and am looking forward to tomorrow. Dumb? Too much?

I suppose it would be better simply to clearly express myself to him in person. I know what he will say. And besides, believe it or not, I don't actually want to have a relationship with him. It would quickly fade, particularly if one were to take the bird of paradise out of his natural habitat.

One funny thing that we had an argument about yesterday involved him saying something about how he is a free spirit and that you have to make your life your own masterpiece...every moment! And then in the next breath he said that men and women can't be friends. And I said, "How about us, since you've told me this?" and he said, "That's different. That's because you are far. If you were near I would either be your boyfriend or I would never see you again." When I told him that that ws stupid and inconsistent with much of the personal philosophy that he'd expressed to that point...well, nothing. He smiled a little bit I think. Or not.

It is good to have a friend whom I will always hold in a special place in my heart. I can live with that. But still I'd like to be more clear with him before I leave. On Thursday night I will tell him how special he has been to me.

And then I will go home and find those characteristics in myself that I need to find, and I will date men who can appreciate those characteristics in me and who are also significantly more reliable...

I wonder how analagous I am to that butterfly? If I am it must have been incredibly annoying to anyone who ever cared for me in the past.

I'd like to tell you about M.'s new work plan for his artwork, on the side of his business, because what he is like would become more clear, but maybe I will do this later.

I feel strangely at peace right now. I'm glad that I went yesterday. I feel able now to enjoy the remainder of my time in Florence.

Oh! And something interesting happened, though inconsequential. His business partner, the woman who is supposed to be bisexual, and who most recently was linked with women, showed up yesterday. I mean, she just showed up on the road, and then joined us for a wine tasting. Doesn't it seem odd that she should just turn up whenever I am around (as she did the last time)? I don't have the impression that she shows up all of the time otherwise. It makes me wonder if she has a thing for him. Not important. I don't know. I just trust that things are the way they are and will be the way they will be. But maybe that's because I'm not sufficiently courageous.

Will come back in a minute...have the best quote but left it upstairs under my pillow. Here it is: (Rufus Wainwright)

Oh what a world

It seems we live in

...

Oh what a world

We live in

Why am I always on a plane or a fast train

Oh what a world my parents gave me

Always traveling but not in love

Still I think I'm doing fine

Wouldn't it be a lovely headline:

"Life is Beautiful" on a New York Times

Oh and MFV: No worries about me writing anything, although I appreciate the kindness. I have the misfortune of being a totally transparent person. I can't stand not getting it all out. The struggle I find is to be honest with myself. And to be courageous. This is why I have this diary. I'm sure that no one will think the worse of me for being kind of pathetic. :)

7:32 a.m. - 2009-05-20

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell