enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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This will not make sense. I do not make sense...

I've gotta be honest with you...It was weird.

I was so insecure and nervous and feeling so tired and ugly. I actually started to cry this morning when I saw him.

Horrible!

It was horrible! Of course I still have feelings for him and I simply have to cut them off. He told me directly that he pushes me away so that he won't get hurt. It seemed to be final.

Still, afterwards, he tried to kiss me when we were waiting for the couple to return to the van. I turned away. I could not deal with that under the circumstances.

I also made it clear that I had plans for tonight, so he dropped me off and kissed me on the cheek. One part of me wanted to say something, start something else. But the other part of me knew that it was a super-bad idea. It is so difficult to deal with the emotions that intervene in something that in theory could be so simple.

So, anyhow, you'll be pleased to know that I compromised on the Thursday thing. I told him that I knew that he rarely has a day off and that he would need some time to do errands. So it turned out that he could use the morning on Thursday to do things. He has a busy day tomorrow, with a large group. We talked about meeting on Thursday afternoon, but what he suggested is that he would like to take me out for my birthday on Thursday evening. We're going to try to see a film a 5, first. It's a funny thing.

I feel totally conflicted about...everything. I pushed him away today, even though on another level I didn't want to do that.

It was a difficult day, but we spent a lot of time together. It has been eight months. Even though things feel so natural immediately when I am with him, in so many ways I don't know him at all. I realize that. We started out by him picking me up. We went for coffee and a croissant, which was nice.

We headed out to pick up the couple. They also were very nice. We picked up the bikes. Something very strage happened, though: after a few kilometers the bike that the guy in the couple was using completely broke. The soldering in the derailer was screwed and it came off. So Marco was lucky that I was there, because he was able to give my bike to the guy. No problem for me, but the couple were slow and Marco was a bit tired and agitated whilst we were waiting for them.

When we got to Siena though, he sent the couple off with a large pocket of time. He and I went off to look for a restaurant. We had a long and lovely chat over a beautiful lunch, though didn't really get to the point. I mean, we talked about the whole relationship thing, in a general sense, and he told me that he doesn't want to date anyone and he doesn't want to get married and that he pushes me away because he doesn't want to get hurt. He seemed more distanced from things, from me, than he did before. But it has been 8 months. It was challenging. But I regret that I didn't get to the point. I could not get to the point. I felt uneasy and unworthy and stupid and inconsequential. I don't think little me is a match for his resolution to not get entangled with anyone. I think that that might be a point for Thursday.

I'm so tired though and I feel awful. I think I was awful company as a result. I felt so nervous and tired and on edge. I felt so ashamed of myself for not being poised and self-possessed and determined. I felt small and childlike.

I don't know what lessons I am supposed to get from this. I don't know how to think about all of this. I think the saving grace is that Thursday has to be an early night as he has to get up at 5 or some such ridiculous hour on Friday morning. He has a tour quite far away from here. So there should be no question of anything untoward. But then again, I could get a hotel and invite him and I am sure he would not refuse. NOT a good idea.

Ah...tired. Tired of being me. I should "man" up and tell him that I have feelings for him. (Anna would rightly be very disappointed by my unmaniliness!) Maybe I'm not courageous enough to do it. (DUH! Do you think?) He probably wouldn't think that I do. He told me that I should find someone at home. I told him that friends had the idea that I should be set up with the journalist. I pretended that I think it is a good idea, as well. I mean, I do think that it is a good idea. UGH. I am aghast at my lack of guts. My lack of resolution.

But what would I do with an old, Italian boyfriend who has stars in his eyes. (He has another stupid business scheme in mind, although of course to my eyes it is rather beautiful.) I don't think he lives in the real world. Not at all. But then neither do I.

I think I need a nap. I didn't ride much today, but still I need a nap.

I am a loser, baby...

I feel 800 years old. I know I should call him or email him and invite him to do something tomorrow night....but I don't want to spoil Thursday night. We are on a friendly level right now (he kissed my cheeks when I left) and that should be good enough. He looked tired. In the light in the car today we had a rather intimate chat about his father's death...and I saw the age in his face.

It should all be enough. Should. Of course.

But PS: I have decided that I am moving to Paris. But 2011 at the latest. Not related to M.

7:06 p.m. - 2009-05-19

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