enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm definitely the hare.

Oh I KNOW I said no more Marco crap, but ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS when you cut a guy loose he starts to come back at you.

Today he sent me this long email about how he is going to come to Canada at the end of the winter if he can afford it. I just don't want to go on...

I really am DONE with that one.

Ironically, or not so ironically, when I in my office this afternoon I had this wave of feeling come over me that was at the same a wave of peace. I am NOT going to Italy this spring.

I'm starting to discover new and cool things around this area, and frankly there are enough naked bodies here in Ottawa for me to draw without going to a studio in Florence.

I'm sure I will go back to Florence again soon, but this year I'm going to California. Maybe this fall I'll go for a week to London or Paris.

Somehow I have a feeling that things are going to roll out differently than that. Maybe I'll wait until next year and go to Ireland to cycle. Or maybe South America with a boyfriend. You just never know. Life presents a great many surprises.

Lordy, life is weird. I'm saying lordy a LOT lately, am I not?

So it's amazing that all day I've been feeling good and peaceful, even though two major affronts occurred.

One, the senior economist sereptitiously stole ANOTHER part of my project. I've come to realize that he is JUST SO INSECURE about what I can do. He sees me as a threat. From now on I'm going to take that as a compliment, and simply fight with my intellect. I can outdo him. I just need to calmly, steadily do the work. SLow and steady wins the race.

Two, my director (bigger than my boss) thanked everyone in my group for their work on the fudge it in our staff meeting, EXCEPT me. I mean, even the new GUY. Oh, did I say GUY? Of course a whole bunch of people from the division piped up and said my name, which was nice, but my god am I ever sick of...well, you know..

But still, I truck along. I think it's just that I'm starting to know and trust what I can do again, am feeling much much sharper since the anxiety abated, and these things build on themselves. I just don't care that much. I gave all of that crap an invisible finger today. :)

So there you go. Things are OK in EB-land. Except this darned cast. It's really hurting my wrists. Fortuately my keyboard/desk configuration at work is better designed.

Hope you are well!! I'm going to go read an article for work. I'm going to read one extra academic article per night. The first step in my plan of world domination. Speaking of which, I'm really leaning against that Foreign Affairs interview, but I need to think about it more carefully. I think I want to stay in the bureacracy here for now and look into that Ph.D. Ultimately that interests me more, I think. You've got to follow your passions first and your duty second, I think. Not sure. I wish it were clear.

7:38 p.m. - 2009-02-10

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