enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The mood sticks

Good morning!

I hope you are all well!

I'm great. Still great. I woke up and thought to myself, "Do I still feel great?"

The answer is yes. Maybe I should count the number of days before this disappears.

So I did a crazy thing last night. I started cleaning my apartment. I organized a bit. I fell asleep thereafter in my chair, and unfortunately I woke up there a couple of hours later. It was well into the middle of the night at that point (3), but silly me did not proceed to the bedroom. Instead I watched some ridiculous show on tv. I have a problem with LOVING the middle of the night. It feels like MY time.

As a result of these indulgences, I traded in Saturday morning. I'm just up and drinking some tea. (I've completely switched from coffee to tea, if you can believe it, and I'm much less anxious for it.)

I'm going skating in 1 hour. It is -19 outside (damn!), but it is SO brightly sunny that the idea is irresistable. It's sunny to the point that I can see the crystals of snow twinkling on the roof next door.

I have a couple of projects on deck for this weekend. First: DRAW! Second: Figure out if I am going to buy a sofa and/or chair for my living room so that I can properly host people in future.

This evening I am meant to go to see a band play at a bar (a very tacky bar, and from what I can glean not my type of band). I figure that I should go in order to meet some new people. The invitation was from a friend of a friend. I'd really rather go to the film about Afghanistan at the national archives, but hopefully I can fit in both.

OK. Had better scoot. I've set goals for myself of sorting out courses to take in the spring. I've already decided on my drawing course for May-June (or July-August, if I decide to go to Florence for two weeks). Now, otherwise, I want to look into taking a writing course. It would be rather lovely to learn to write. I was reading a bit of Emma as I lingered in bed this morning (I always have at least one Jane Austen in bed with me, if you can believe it), and thought, "Thank GAAAAAAAAAWD for delightful writing."

What a wonderful world: sunshine and Jane Austen on a Saturday morning.

I know there was something else.

Oh! I can't believe how calm I am about all of the yo-yoing that is going on in my brain at the moment. I woke up this morning NOT going to Florence in May. The other afternoon I wrote that I could NOT see myself living in the suburbs and pushing a stroller. The thing about that one is that the suburbs thing is probably very true (though never say never), but I still don't know about the children thing. What I mean by that is that when I try to intuit what will happen to me (not what I WANT), I still don't see a life that is absolutely without children in it. Weird, non? I just don't know.

Anyway, the pertinent point is that these thoughts are not demanding anything from me. I feel no pressure to decide or to act. Right now, I'm just along for the ride, enjoying where life is taking me.

OK. Had finally better scoot and do something!

Have a lovely weekend!

OH! I always ramble on about the same stupid things that are looping through my brain. I forget to tell the most important things! So I was sitting in the counselor's office last night, having a great chat, when somehow (can't remember the trajectory), the issue of relationships came up. Oh I know! I was saying that I think that one of my problems has been that I've seen my mother and others in my family model very POOR romantic relationships with a great deal of dependency and that I can almost remember to the day (I was in grade 3) that I DECIDED and ANNOUNCED that I would 1) never get married; and 2) never have children.

I've been aware for some time that there is a certain degree of defiance in me which is actually more self-destructive than anything. If I'm completely honest, I do know that one of the projects of my life has been to be and to become the OPPOSITE of my mother. That can't be healthy, particularly if it is restricting my choice set.

And then the conversation proceeded. The counselor asked me if I had ever been in a relationship in which I felt free to be independent and strong. I have had one or two of those. Andrew in my mid-20s certainly wanted me to be myself - all of myself - only the problem was that he was too boring for me (he still is, and that's not a criticism). My relationship with C. is different, of course, but I certainly don't have to hide my athletic abilities or my intelligence or curiosity with him. Even C. has admitted from time to time, however, that when he gets angry or aggressive with me in discussions sometimes it is because he feels threatened by my knowledge or argumentation (usually he considers his own to be superior, particularly in economics or matters of politics).

So here's the funny part. The counselor starts talking about how it is a real disadvantage for a woman in the dating market to be educated and highly intelligent. Those are not marketable to men in general. It takes a very particular, well-rounded man to appreciate a woman for these qualities.

Don't get the wrong idea from ths. He wasn't pronouncing on anything. He was musing, more than anything.

It's not something I didn't already know, but it was funny to hear it from a kindly man who didn't seem to be offering any advice on the matter.

Anyhow...

12:01 p.m. - 2009-01-31

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