enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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less hope than genuine belief, 2009

It's so unlike me, I realize, to post a second entry.

I just woke myself up. I was falling asleep in my chair. Personally, I think it is the cold air. My apartment is freezing. I'm going to bed each day in a full track suit with a hoodie over top. It's partly that it is so deeply cold outside, but also partly that the heat is not very high. My landlord controlled the heating, however, so I can't do anything about it. I suppose I could buy a little ceramic heater, but I have enough clothing to keep me warm. :)

Of course, it might also be thta my ciculation is not great. I've been cold lately all the time.

So otherwise, things are good. I must be honest with you, as you now doubt suspect, that I go back and forth in my head over the M. thing. I wonder if I *could* give up everything and move over there to date him. Sometimes I think yes; sometimes I think absolutely no. It's not a question at this point, really, but it gets to the root of all of the questions that I need to ask myself.

Today, for example, when I was speaking with that random colleague, he and I rambled onto the topic of Ottawa and the difficulty that people find here of building a network of friends. He agreed that there are mostly transient people here, or otherwise married people who are here for jobs and who keep to themselves. He told me that he met his wife through a climbing club, and that he thinks that clubs in Ottawa are more like singles groups. He thought it a positive.

It was a totally casual conversation, but he reminded me that I need to make a choice about how to live here. I have made a choice to this point to live in my apartment and with my small circle of friends. I don't feel self-flagellating or sad or anything at the moment. But it's a good reminder. My idea of M. holds me back from that.

The point of this note was not to wobble on about things I've addressed many times before. Rather, it is to say that I feel a genuine excitement about 2009. (It's a good sign, I believe, that nothing in it feels fixed yet.) I think it's because I've started to take a hold of new tools. New tools make me feel that there are options. It does get better and better. It all works out in the end - it really does. :)

Thanks to Mz. Bee, for the line of the year!

I wish I could make predictions for the New Year. It's probably a foolish thing to do. I don't want to be disappointed. I hope that a few pretty surprises are on the horizon.

And many for you and yours, of course!!!

10:02 p.m. - 2008-12-23

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