enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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What goes up must come down.

Today was a bad day. It's amazing how close to the edge one can be.

Nothing really terrible happened, only that I was a bit...edgy. In French class I was so bored that I was having difficulty containing my impatience. And then at work the senior economist pushed me too far yet again and I came close to snapping at him. In the end what I said came out as more forceful and a bit curt than anything, but *I* knew that I was risking betraying my anxiety and that annoyed me. I hate people thinking that I'm weak.

And then I went to the St@rs concert with C. and his friend N. It was OK (the concert was quite good, really), but the whole time at least a part of my mind was on the bad day and on worrying about what my boss might think. I was feeling guilty for not being adequately in control and pleasant and friendly at work today. I was beating up on myself and feeling...terrible.

I know and I KNEW how unproductive those activities were. I wanted to be PRESENT at the concert. To a degree I was so. I tried hard. But in the strobing lights in the dark of the hall I felt very alone.

It's not that C. wasn't with me. His friend, N. is also nice. It's just that I can't burden him with my feelings every day - he's seen enough of them, anyhow - and you can't make someone understand what it feels like to be in that pit if they've never felt it. I had the thought at one point that I wanted the world to fall quiet. And in a way in the middle of a wall of sound one can sort of achieve that. I didn't feel completely unsettled, only disappointed in myself over the day.

BUt as they say, tomorrow is another day. I will strive to be a better person tomorrow.

Well, Friday.

Tomorrow, as it turns out, I DID have the balls to request off. So I am taking my annual "personal" day to...do personal things. I think I'm mostly going to do some administrative things and sit my table by the window sketching. :) Or maybe I'll read a whole book just for pleasure. I brought home papers to read on optimal faxation but someone please kill me if I dare to read any of them.

A good sleep will help. I must remember that a good meal and a good sleep always help. They always do. They don't necessarily pull the wagon entirely out of the mud, but they give the wagon wheels.

11:51 p.m. - 2008-11-26

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