enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The sun shines, and the wind rises.

UGH. So today was kind of a rough day. But OK in the end.

I really missed M!

C. and I had intended to go cycling, and we did. And then my gear shifter broke on the lefthand side (long story), and after about a half hour more of riding (we continued to the lookout with me on the difficult gear), I just wanted to cry.

I realized that I was crying about M. I have to let that whole thing go, but it just reminds me of how isolated and lonely I feel in this place. For sure I have friends and invitations, but they're not for things that I really love to do (things with C. excluded, of course).

And yes the nature is beautiful and Canada is not a bad country. But I just don't feel at home here. So weird to be native born, to have lived your whole life amongst these people, and still to find your interests and wishes so far distant from theirs.

I know I have to try harder. I have to try to settle myself into some community of artsy people or something. I hope I can do that.

But I just felt sad. I let myself cry. I didn't ruminate over it. I just did it. And then I rode and tried to be present.

C. and I took my bike to the shop and the guy who sold me my bike happened to be there, lucky trick, and they're going to look at it. Nice people. It might cost a bundle if the whole gear shift mechanism has to be repaired, but whatever (so much for my recent economizing!). We shall see.

I don't know what else to say. I haven't had an email from M. since Monday. I didn't expect one, per se, and I have this stupid way of always telling him not to worry about emailing me, or taking time between mails. But I feel so lonely. Today I had stupid thoughts of him meeting someone else and forgetting all about me, another Canadian girl even who is prettier and more fun. I realize though that these thoughts are all of those shadow thoughts from the "pain body."

I like that concept of the pain body a great deal. It's that whole accumulation of pain and responses and expectations that you have as a result of your past, and that tell you with certainty how to expect the future to turn out.

I like that concept because of course when you turn on it and flip it around and examine it, you hopefully can eventually put it on mute. I hope I can do that. In general I think I am doing so. I will not feel guilty for feeling sad and for being human today. I'm in a real place of power in my life in many ways right now - I've earned this place of power - and I won't let go of that. I can be whole and fully human. As you all know, I've never believed in the whole forced "You must be shiny and smiling all of the time!" thing. I believe that denying sadness is like denying the moon. It's an important part of the human experience.

OK. I'd best jump in the shower. I have that birthday party to turn up to.

6:01 p.m. - 2008-10-18

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