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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The real diagnosis

So here's the entry that I meant to write earlier. Only the words weren't yet here.

I think I decided last night that I can't live in Ottawa.

I mean, I've been talking about this for a while.

But I was sitting in the movie theatre last night looking at the people and thinking, "I really don't feel at home here!"

And walking home through the grim, empty, grey streets just solidified that.

Maybe what I like so much about Europe is all of the activity, the people buzzing about. Strange for an introvert to say that, but I feel as though I live in a wasteland.

And I was sitting there talking to my friend's friend before the movie started, and here was a late-20s girl who is living in a townhouse a cookie-cutter suburb (which you would honestly have to kidnap me to get me to visit again) and talking about the rest of her life as though living in a cookie-cutter suburb and working in an industrial park is a dream fulfilled!

UGH!

I want too much, I know.

I really do have the best job. I have a great job. I didn't realize in a way how lucky I was to get into that department, but if I were to stick it out for 10 years, say, I'd not only be making a good salary but would have many additional opportunities. I could represent the government at a variety of international line dancing institutions, and also would have respect within the government itself. There is really no bad there.

If you want that sort of a career.

I recognize now why people do it. It gives them security, some status, and stability. And then they can raise their families and ride their bicycles on the weekend...and it all sounds fine.

I know in my heart that it is not for me. My big fear is that I won't be able to figure out what to do and how to get out. And then I'll stay here and accept the justifications for having this job that those other people use to stay there.

I don't know. I'm utterly lost.

Related to this, I received confirmation that my application to the foreign service was received. It will take forever for interviews to occur, because all of the people who haven't done the battery of tests now have to be tested. SOmething like 20,000 people will take the tests, and then they will all have to be graded (electronically, mostly, although the writing test is by hand). So my guess is that I will receive a call about an interview during the winter. Christmas would be optimistic.

It is true though that having time to think is a good thing.

I've thought a bit about the OECD, but I do recognize that the postings there would mostly be appointments for 1 or 2 years. Of course those could morph into more permanent jobs, but there would be more career interruption (probably).

My best bet may in fact be to just wait and pursue the foreign service patiently over the next few years. I should be able to get a position eventually. I have many of the attributes required, and having the degree of training in economics that I have is high on the list of desired attributes these days. Add to that that I'm a woman without a family and the advantages multiply.

Yeah. Patience is a good idea.

Being patient is difficult for me. I've felt so stuck for so long.

And to be honest, most of all, I feel very, very lonely.

I would like to make more friends, but I haven't been very successful here. The women whom I met last year and whose parties I go to often I like, but on a number of levels we just don't click. The mushroom-picking woman, for example, who volunteers with the refugee group, is still dating that racist pig. I can't stand being around the guy.

I did meet a girl in my French class recently whom I quite like. She seems a serious, thougtful sort of person, and a little bit older, like me. I am optimistic that perhaps she and I have a chance to be friends. We had an interesting discussion on Friday about her plans to do a delayed Ph.D. in international politics.

So I'm trying to be hopeful.

It's judgmental of me to say, but it seems that all people do around here for entertainment is go out and get drunk. That seems to be the plan. A group at work invited me out last week, but all they ever do is go from pub to pub. I don't want drinking buddies. And lord knows getting me drunk around people to whom I could bitch about my work would NOT be a good idea. :)

This is a rambling entry. I don't even know what I'm saying.

I guess I'm torn between continuing along my safe path and trying to get "international" through a secure job with the government.

A less-safe path would be to simply decide to move somewhere where I feel I would be more engaged with life. I could pick up and move to France and work as a bike guide for a couple of years, for example. That would help my French. I actually know a girl who did this, and it would probably only take one call to her to get me a contact and possibly even a job.

I could alternately get an English teaching certification and move off somewhere to work at a low-paid job. But I wouldn't be here.

It's so difficult. I just don't know what to do. I feel frozen.

I wasn't going to write this here, because right now the last thing that I want is pity. I've been thinking of shutting this diary down, largely because I don't want pity. Because pity, even the most kindly-meant pity, makes me feel wrong somehow. Maybe it's because I know how lucky I am and I feel like an idiot for not being content. I don't know how to explain it.

Plus the thing is that I feel that I have the strength to make a change, that I COULD do it, and yet that I cheap out because I can't DECIDE what to do. And THIS makes me feel worst of all, because it makes me feel as though I am WASTING my life as I watch it tick by. This makes me angry at myself and also anxious. ALL VERY BAD THINGS.

Oh sigh. I just wish I could figure out the puzzle. I'm stuck again. And clearly I'm ruminating! But if I could figure out what I want to do, what is doable and what would unleash my passion...then everything else in life would fall into place.

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2:33 p.m. - 2008-10-19

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