enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still sick. Ah well!

You know, it's kind of interesting: I think I've come to the buddhist belief that all life is suffering. And once you accept that, it's all clear sailing.

I feel very mellow and accepting these days. I'm disappointed that my trip hasn't been super-enjoyable, but I HAVE learned a great deal on it, at least.
So that's interesting. And what do you do with the knowledge that you gain? Hopefully try not to destroy yourself with fear, worry, self-flagellation, sadness.

Yeah, that's it.

Yesterday Joan and I had a very long day. It was nice though. Of course I still wish that I were healthy, but it was great to do a day trip out of town and I did see some wonderful 13th and 14th century art. It forced me to think about civilization and how people attempt to civilize themselves. And I got to use quite a bit of my preliminary Italian, as not many people in that town spoke any English. I loved that.

Last night, actually, as Joan and I had arrived at the bus station and were walking to a restaurant for a drink, some man said to me, "It's good to hear English again." He had been walking alongside Joan and I and obviously had been listening to our conversation. And all I could think is, "How stupid!" Why the hell wouldn't you want to hear other languages spoken, to learn other languages. I mean, it's not as if Italy is the 2nd or 3rd world. They put English on all of the menus pretty much, and it's easy to find signs and tourist brochures in english. There are also hundreds of thousands of English-speaking tourists in town at any given time. I really marvel at people like this. I mean, why does everything always have to be the same?

If I sound a bit snippy I'm actually not. I'm just reflecting, as I always do when I travel. I'm glad that I like new things, even if they are difficult. I think the experience of them has made me stronger. I would be so sad if I had never seen any parts of the world outside of my own country.

Soo...nothing new to report. Today is the Uffizi. Very excited about that, although I didn't get enough sleep (girls came in late).

Joan and I had some fabulous conversations yesterday, mostly about men and feminism. She's brilliant and she has a daughter and she is everything that my mother is not, so I've been grateful to have the person in front of me who - imagine that! - is actually interested in talking about things like men and culture and dating and sex. It has been very, very interesting. I'm grateful for this acquaintance/friendship.

One thing that is interesting about Joan is that she has a beautiful daughter. I saw the pictures yesterday. One thing that has been interesting is that in that typically Australian way she has been very modest about her daughter to this point. (Don't take this the wrong way, BoXx - it's totally normal to rave about a daughter's beauty). She had told me about her daughter's job (in fashion communications in London), and her boyfriend (beautiful Italian man), but not directly that her daughter is angelically beautiful. I never would have guessed it, really, as Joan is fairly average in looks. But her daughter IS angelically beautiful. In fact, when she showed me the photo, I thought it was a photo of a couple of models and that her daughter's photo would be coming next!

What is interesting about this is that during the conversation I kept on thinking that all of the advice in the world about men isn't going to help me, in a way. No matter what, it will always be easier in the world for girls who are beautiful. Being born plain, especially as a woman, means that no matter what you will always be overlooked. No matter how hard you try to be interesting, receptive, patient, decent...a girl like that will walk into the room and you'll be forgotten, dropped like a dirty dishrag. I've been through this enough to know that this is true. I suppose it doesn't matter. But I think I realize now that I haven't yet fully accepted that this is true. On some level, I've always believed that if you're smart and interesting you can match beauty in some way. How incredibly stupid can I be??

You can fight it all you like, but some people are just lucky. So the sooner you start to accept that your path will be different in life, the better off you will be. It's good to realize this, because then I can start to value and cherish the things that I CAN have and do much more. I don't know why we persist in thinking that life will equalize things somehow, that life will be fair. I just can't seem to drill that into my head, so it's about time that I do and start thinking about all of those TRULY suffering people.

So I suppose that breakfast is in order and then the Uff!zi.

I'm meandering and totally off topic.

:)

I haven't heard from M. and it is just as well. I think I probably threw him off when I said on Sunday that if he didn't have time to see me before I go I understand. I think I gave him the impression repeatedly that I was kind of indifferent about seeing him again. In a way I think it's actually true - I'm not sure what would be gained, and it's nice to leave with the memory of a very nice weekend on which I handled myself appropriately and happily.

Hope you are well. Take care!

7:48 a.m. - 2008-09-24

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell