enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Really not a day I'm proud of. I can't stop crying. The tears are actually rolling down my cheeks at the computer.

I must admit that I wish I were at home right now. How pathetic is that? I wish I could go over to C's place for dinner and a cry. I really feel so devastated. I haven't felt this crappy in so long. I just made the mistake and read back to his emails in May and June and then there was that sketchy period in July and August. I should have been more intuitive.

Then maybe on some level I was intuitive. After all I've been here for four days and only called him today.

Oh well. Hopefully a bit of crying into my pillow and some sleep will help. And hopefully this cold will gradually abate in the next two days and I will be able to enjoy being here again. I should go tomorrow and buy some warmer clothes, bundle myself up and make the best of it.

That Australian woman is really nice, too. I'm sure she'd be pleased to drink with me. :) I think she wanted to invite me to the concert she was going to tonight, but I told her that I was pretty woozy at the course today. And I was. The cold had hit its worst at that point.

OK. A bad day. But everyone has bad days, right. Dear Diary, I'm REALLY trying to talk myself out of this one.

I always do this. And I always hurt myself. Probably in a couple of years once I've followed my interests and figured out to be happier in my life I'll look back on this and laugh. Because then I'll have space for someone in my life who could actually truly have a relationship with me. I can't live in a fantasy world for my entire life.

As BoXx would say, "NOW!"

And it's true. Tell me what your problem is right now. I'm lonely. But am I really lonely? I have you all, who so kindly comfort me. :) And I have C. an ocean away who would give me a hug and tell me that I'm a special S no matter what. If he were here. :)

12:09 a.m. - 2008-09-18

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