enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So I think that maybe I've been having an allergic reaction to the wheat that I've been stupidly eating. :(

Thanks, friends! I hope that you are all well.

So...I took the nap, as mentioned earlier. It was nice. Really, I needed to crash.

And then I was sitting around for a while listening to the radio. I realized, however, that the only way that I was going to feel better is if I got up and went for a run, denying the oppressive humidity.

It was the right thing to do. I feel much, much better. I feel a bit cleaner. I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Things are going very, very well this week, in spite of my anxiety and the attendant fatigue. I'm breaking through in terms of my confidence at work. I think I was feeling anxiety because I didn't feel that I could solve the problem that I had to solve today, or at least that if I couldn't I would look stupid. (My boss is an expert in that area.)

But I went in there and took the bull by the horns and demonstrated that I could come up with a nice, clean solution. The boss looked suprised by how clean it was. And the senior economist was still fiddling with a definition in the meantime.

I know that one of my biggest problems at work is confidence. I get so little positive reinforcement in that environment and self-validation has been difficult. I've known that what I've had to do is just plunge in, forge forward, and kick doors open rather than wait for them to be opened. I'm starting to do that.

Good.

So the thing about M. is - and I'm ashamed to admit this - that he really hasn't been initiating any emails in the last month. I hate the feeling of "begging" for attention, so I feel rather silly about wanting to email him. It would be nice if he took the initiative at some point, even just to write a few lines.

At any rate, this is not about him. I've been thinking quite a bit in the last few days about how difficult it is to be alone all the time. It would be nice to have companionship. But again, I don't want to compromise myself in getting it.

A guy asked me out today, but although he was cute I could never date him as he made a slur against French Canadians in the same conversation. I simply couldn't date a bigot of any kind.

I just don't know. It is not easy.

But I picked up a schedule for all of the fall courses that are taking place in the recreation sector here in the fall, and so I'm going to sign up for something. Anything. That will get me started. And of course, this weekend, I will go out to a few things. I will start talking to people, gadding about. Fifi: I will practise my flirting. :) (I didn't flirt with the guy today. I think that my green dress did all of the flirting.)

Anyhow. SO things are good. I feel powerful. And I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about my trip to Italy. Don't think otherwise for one moment, Ms. BoXx!! :)

I promise to be more exciting this weekend. Three day weekend! Three day weekend! (And I will call! I will! After I have had a good sleep. :()

Sleep well and take care, everyone!

I'm going to go and sweater porn. There's a book that I want to buy. So much. I'm utterly in love with Row@n designs, particularly the vintage-style ones. And the yarn! The yarn! I just love beautiful fabrics, and constructing a cozy garment with my own fingers. It just feels right.

10:21 p.m. - 2008-07-31

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